A Dying Man's One Piece of Dating Advice That Will Save You Years of Heartache

If you could only leave your daughter one piece of dating advice about men, what would it be? This father nailed it.

Photo by Sandy Millar on Unsplash

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In July 2008, Dr Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University, sadly died of pancreatic cancer. He was 47 years old, a husband, and a father of three young children, including one daughter. 

The Last Lecture 

He gave an incredible speech called The Last Lecture and he did an abridged version of it on Oprah, both of which are really worth watching.

There’s something I distinctly remember from his appearance on Oprah that actually wasn’t in his Last Lecture. It was the one piece of advice Randy wanted to leave for his young daughter about men, dating and relationships (assuming she grew up to be a straight woman, of course). It was: 

As a dating expert, I have to say Randy absolutely nailed it. 

If his daughter only ever follows this one piece of advice, she’ll have a much more positive experience with men, dating and relationships than most women do. 

Actions speak louder than words 

I was reminded of this recently when I heard the runner-up from one of the seasons of the reality TV show, The Bachelor, being interviewed. 

I won’t say who it was but I will say he stupidly told both of the last two women that he loved them. Of course, he could only choose one.

So, the woman he didn’t choose ended up feeling utterly dumbfounded. It was a good reminder that when it comes to men, dating and relationships, actions speak louder than words. Or as Randy Pausch put it:

When the Bachelor eventually chose one woman over the other, his words to the woman he didn’t choose meant nothing and his actions to the woman he did choose meant everything. (This was a few years ago and you might be interested to know they’re now married with a baby.)

I have a few things to say about this.

People don’t know what they want

Firstly, the reality is most people don’t really know what they want. But men in particular tend to not really know what they want.

That’s because most men aren’t as in touch with their emotions as most women. They often say what they feel in the moment. Then in the next moment, they might feel something different. So, it’s their actions you need to go by — not their words.

I’ll give you a few examples from my own life. 

Being told I was ‘gorgeous’ meant nothing

Example №1: Many years ago, I had a date with a guy who gushed over me and told me I was ‘gorgeous’. It was a huge compliment because HE was gorgeous. He was one of the most physically attractive men I’d ever dated. 

I assumed being told I was ‘gorgeous’ would at least result in a second date. It didn’t. He never asked me out again. He just kinda flaked on me. 

Being asked out on a second date meant nothing

Speaking of second dates, check out Examples №2 and 3: 

Just before I met my husband, David, I had a first date with two different guys who asked me out on a second date while we were still on the first date. Sound promising, right? 

Well, neither of them followed up. One guy stood me up. And then, the next day, he sent me an email to apologise — but not to reschedule. He made it clear he wanted to leave it at one date. 

The other guy kept in touch with me regularly for a month with fun and flirty text messages and kept promising to take me out again, but it just never happened. 

Eventually, I got sick of waiting and attempted to arrange the second date myself. Surprise, surprise (or no surprise at all), he didn’t respond and then he completely disappeared. 

Being told ‘I love you’ for 6 months meant nothing

Example №4: I had a boyfriend who said ‘I love you’ to me almost every day. Then, about 6 months into our relationship, he lost interest and we eventually broke up. 

So, pumping me full of those three little words on a daily basis didn’t necessarily mean we were going to end up together, although I stupidly thought it did. 

Being treated in a loving manner meant everything 

Which brings me to my 5th and final example: My husband, David. 

David and I had different values around saying ‘I love you’. 

A couple of months into our relationship, he told me that saying ‘I love you’ was a big deal to him and he probably wouldn’t say it until he was almost certain he was going to marry me. 

I thought, Wow, that could be over a year! I respected where he was coming from, but I didn’t feel that way. I wanted to say ‘I love you’ when I felt it.

So, here’s what happened… 

David and I lived about a 45-minute drive apart with a big freeway between us. He’d usually come over on a Friday night and we’d spend the whole weekend together. Then he’d leave late on a Sunday night. 

I don’t know how many months we’d been dating, but it got to the point where I’d say goodbye to him and get a bit teary because I’d imagine him having an accident on the drive home. And I thought if anything like that ever happened, I’d regret not telling him I loved him. 

So, I let him know that not saying ‘I love you’ when I said goodbye to him on a Sunday night no longer felt right to me — and I was going to start saying it. But I didn’t need him to say it back. He was still free to say it when he was ready.

I continued to be open to the fact that it might take over a year for him to say ‘I love you’, but he actually said it at the 9-month mark. (Aww.)

He said it as we were gazing out over a harbour sunset with cocktails. I guess it was a big moment for him but, to be honest, it wasn’t a big moment for me. It was romantic, but so much time had passed that I no longer felt the need to hear him say he loved me. 

I KNEW he loved me. Because I felt totally, utterly and completely loved. 

All I’d ever wanted was a man who made me feel as though I was a priority to him — and David made me feel as though I was a priority to him from the moment we met. Actually, even before we met when he was dazzled by my dating profile and started messaging me. 

He contacted me every day, organised to see me every weekend, responded to text messages immediately, always answered the phone when I called, and introduced me to his family within the first 6 weeks of our relationship. His actions told me everything I needed to know — and they were consistent over time. 

Many years later, he still makes me feel as though I’m his №1 priority. 

I’ve received some beautiful words from him over the years, especially in birthday cards, Valentine’s Day cards and anniversary cards. But they’re just the icing on the cake. His actions are everything to me. I feel loved, happy and content. 

So, believe me, I know how utterly excruciating it can be when you’re dating a guy who says one thing and does another. But if you truly want to stop feeling so confused, I suggest you completely disregard his words and focus entirely on his actions.

Not everyone is like you

This was a particularly difficult lesson for ME to learn because I’m the kind of person who pretty much always knows how I feel about everything. 

I say exactly what I mean, I very rarely change my mind, and I always keep my promises. 

It took me literally decades to learn that most people aren’t like me, particularly most men. If I’d learnt this lesson earlier, it would have saved me years of heartache.

Malicious Vs clueless

Something else that took me decades to learn is that most men aren’t saying one thing and doing another because they’re malicious. It’s because they’re clueless. 

They’re not setting out to hurt you and they’re not intentionally feeding you a line of BS. They’re just expressing how they feel in the moment without giving much thought to how they might feel in the next moment. 

They don’t realise how seriously women take their words. It’d serve them well if they did but, unfortunately, you can’t control men. You can only control how you handle men. 

And when it comes to their words, I strongly recommend following Dr Randy Pauch’s sage advice. One more time for the cheap seats in the back: 

If you have this line stuck in your head, good. That was my plan all along. Now, all you need to do is practice it!

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