Break Up with Your Breakup: 3 Unconventional Mindset Shifts for Moving Forward
Sometimes, a shift in perspective is all it takes to start feeling better. Here are three unique ways of looking at your breakup that will help you heal faster.
You can also read on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here
I wanted to cover breakups in this article because once I do, I’ll probably never talk about them again.
It’s not that I don’t care about your pain because I very much do. And I can totally relate to it. But as a professional dating mentor (and your best friend for all things dating), my job is to help you move forward — not look back.
When I think of the amount of time I spent pining over some of my exes, I cringe. What a waste! I wish I could get that time back but I can’t.
All I can do is help you not make the same mistakes I did. And I think spending too much time focusing on your ex — or even too much time focusing on ‘healing’ from your breakup — is a waste.
You don’t need to start practicing self-care in the form of mediation, yoga, journaling or going to an overpriced health retreat if your idea of self-care is sitting in front of the TV with a pint of gelato like mine is.
And you don’t need to take a 12-month, 6-month or even 3-month break from men.
Men aren’t the problem. Just ONE MAN was the problem. And the only reason he was a problem was because he wasn’t the right man for you. But another man will be.
If your goal is to find love, it stands to reason that the sooner you start dating again, the better. So, let’s get busy putting your ex behind you and your Mr Right in the not-too-distant future.
Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless
Unconventional breakup mindset shift №1 is: Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless. Not worthless as a person. Worthless as a partner to you.
If you define worth as having something of value to offer, your ex is, by definition, worthless because you want a loving relationship or marriage and he ain’t offering it!
I’m guilty of totally overvaluing some of my exes. When we broke up, I missed them like crazy. I missed the way they made me laugh. I missed our stimulating conversations. I missed how handsome I thought they were. (Well, some of them. Not all of them — let’s be honest.) I missed having someone who shared my interests and got my jokes. I missed the connection.
This was all I really thought about. I failed to realise that these many wonderful qualities meant NOTHING if the man who possessed them didn’t want to be with me. I failed to realise that my exes were worthless — not as a person but as a partner to me.
So, now that I’m married to David and I have someone who makes me laugh, someone I have stimulating conversations with, someone whose handsome face I get to look at every day, someone who shares my interests and gets my jokes and someone I have a connection with, do I miss my exes? Not. At. All. Not in the slightest. They mean nothing to me.
I never thought I’d feel this way, especially when I was up to my eyeballs in lovesick grief, but I really do. I’m still friends with some of my exes, but I’m not talking about them. I’m talking about the really big and more recent loves I had before I met David. I have zero contact with my big-love exes and I couldn’t care less. There’s nothing to miss.
I want you to feel this way too. I want you to stop thinking your ex is so wonderful and find a man who’s TRULY wonderful because he wants to be with you. He wants to spend time with you. He wants to support you. He wants to share his life with you. When you find this man, I promise: He’ll make your exes look like a bunch of nobodies!
Why your ex doesn’t want to be with you is irrelevant
Unconventional breakup mindset shift №2 is: Why your ex doesn’t want to be with you is irrelevant.
You might think there are a number of reasons why your ex doesn’t want to be with you, but there’s really only one: Because you’re not a match.
It’s that simple. YOU might think you’re a match. But if he doesn’t, you’re not a match. The feeling needs to be MUTUAL.
Let’s flip this around for a moment. I can honestly say there’s nothing the exes I broke up with could have done differently to make me want to be with them. Most of them were lovey guys. That’s why I went out with them in the first place. But after dating them for a while, I just didn’t feel what I needed to feel to continue the relationship.
So, try not to spend too much time worrying about what you might have done wrong. Here’s a better way of looking at it:
Think of dating as one big 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. When you discover two pieces don’t fit together, do you try and force them? No. Do you worry WHY they don’t fit together? No. You just accept they don’t fit together and continue looking for the right match for each piece.
The same goes for dating. You’re looking for your matching puzzle piece.
When you find your matching puzzle piece, chances are he’ll love certain things about you that your ex didn’t. For instance, David loves that I’m open and honest — probably because he’s open and honest. You might think being open and honest is something anyone would value in a partner. But I know for a fact that some of my exes didn’t like it. One of my exes literally said, and I quote: ‘I’m struggling with all the honesty.’ Yikes! Glad that relationship didn’t work out. Except I wasn’t glad when we broke up. I was heartbroken. But I was in my late-20s at the time and hadn’t yet experienced what it’s like to be with the right person. And the right person values who you are when you’re being your true self.
Okay, so there’s a slight chance you could learn something if your ex was honest enough to tell you that you’re, say, too clingy, negative or irritating. But clingy, negative and irritating are in the eye of the beholder. One man’s ‘clingy’ is another man’s ‘affectionate’. One man’s ‘negative’ is another man’s ‘realistic’. One man’s ‘irritating’ is another man’s ‘endearing’. So, ultimately, WHO CARES why your ex doesn’t want to be with you! He doesn’t speak for all men. Move forward and find someone who loves you for YOU.
Breakups are the norm — ‘happily ever after’ is the exception
Unconventional breakup mindset shift №3 is: Breakups are the norm — ‘happily ever after’ is the exception.
One of the most common complaints I hear about dating is this: ‘Whenever I’m into them they’re not into me and whenever they’re into me I’m not into them.’
The reason I know this is such a common complaint is because I used to say it myself. And then one day, it hit me: ‘Um, yeah. That’s what dating is! If I was into him and he was into me and that never changed, we’d be married.’ And how many times are you going to get married or have a life partner? Probably only once. Maybe twice.
The rest of the time, every single dating scenario or relationship you experience will end in some kind of a breakup. It’s not a failure. It’s not the end of the world. It’s just the natural conclusion of a match that wasn’t meant to be forever.
When you start seeing breakups in this light — as the norm, with ‘happily ever after’ as the exception — they should begin to feel like less of a big deal.
So, my 3 unconventional breakup mindset shifts for moving forward are:
Someone who doesn’t want to be with you is literally worthless. Not worthless as a person. Worthless as a partner to you.
Why your ex doesn’t want to be with you is irrelevant. All you need to know is that you weren’t a match.
Breakups are the norm — ‘happily ever after’ is the exception. Seeing breakups in this light should make them feel less tragic and more manageable.
How long should take to get over a breakup?
Now, I know you’re not made of stone. So, if it takes longer than you’d like for the pain of your breakup to subside, go easy on yourself. It takes as long as it takes. And don’t assume it means you’re not ready to date again.
There’s nothing wrong with a little overlap between being fully recovered from your breakup and getting back out into the dating world. In fact, I think dating can help you heal. It gets your mind off your ex and onto other men and your future. It gets you out of the house and meeting new people. And most importantly, it gets you much closer to finding true love than sitting around pining over your ex.
My top 2 breakup resources
Before I wrap up, I want to share with you my top 2 breakup resources:
A book: It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt and his wife Amiira. Greg is famous for co-authoring the bestselling self-help book, He’s Just Not That Into You, which started as a Sex and the City storyline and ended up as a romantic comedy jam-packed with A-list stars. Even though there are a number of good breakup books, I wanted to keep it simple for you by just recommending one. This one!
Counselling: Personally, I’ve found counselling to be extremely helpful for recovering from a breakup. I’m not talking about therapy. You don’t need months of therapy or to wade into your childhood. You can just have 3 — 5 sessions and focus solely on your breakup and moving forward. If you want to speed up the healing process, counselling can be really beneficial. And depending on where you live or your circumstances, some or all of it can be covered by your healthcare.
That’s all I’m going to say about breakups for the foreseeable future. From here on in, I’m going to focus on dating, relationships and moving forward until you find the loving life partner or husband of your dreams.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.