Commitment Issues: What to Do When He Doesn't Want to Commit
Are commitment issues a deal breaker or is there a way to get the man you love to commit to you? It's time for a reality check.
Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here
I’m going to tackle this topic by telling you about an experience I had with a journalist. She posted a callout for dating and relationship experts to provide commentary for an article she was writing. The title of the article was: Signs He’s Still ‘The One’ Even Though He Has Commitment Issues.
Spoiler alert: I wasn’t featured in the article — probably because I didn’t say what she wanted to hear. And she ended up writing an article jam-packed with really bad advice.
Now, I don’t mean to attack her personally. I’m sure she’s written many great articles. But I do want to take you through this particular article and explain WHY the advice is bad. It’s the perfect opportunity for you to learn about so-called ‘commitment issues’ so that you never waste your time with a man who can’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.
She asked potential sources like me two questions…
Signs he’s still ‘The One’ even if he has commitment issues
The first question was:
What are some signs your partner is still ‘The One’ even if he has commitment issues?
My answer was:
If your partner has commitment issues, he’s not ‘The One’. The end.
Okay, I said a little more than that. I said that commitment is one of the central tenets of a relationship. It doesn’t really matter WHY someone has so-called commitment issues. All that matters is you understand this:
No commitment = no relationship.
Relationships are challenging enough when two people are fully committed let alone when one person is struggling with commitment.
No matter how wonderful every other aspect of your relationship might be, if someone has commitment issues then, sadly, they’re not ‘The One’.
Move on and find someone who’s ready, willing and able to commit to you and THEN decide if they’re ‘The One’ by getting to know them and seeing how they show up for you over time.
Now, if you thought that was blunt, the next one’s a doozy…
How long you should wait before moving on from him
Her second question was:
Is there a certain amount of time you should wait for him before moving on?
My answer was: Yes — zero.
Okay, again, I said a little more than that.
I said commitment isn’t just one thing. There are many stages of commitment — from exclusivity to marriage.
Step 6 of my step-by-step blueprint for finding love, which only members of the Your Dating Bestie community have access to, is all about how commitment is a series of mini commitments. If a man can’t give you an appropriate level of commitment for the stage you’re at, move on.
Now, one could argue that ‘appropriate’ is subjective. But it’s not that subjective if you’re both being reasonable.
For instance, it’s unreasonable to expect exclusivity after one or two dates. But it is reasonable to expect exclusivity after 4–6 weeks of dating, especially if you’re being intimate or want to be intimate.
It’s unreasonable to expect your boyfriend to marry you within the first year of your relationship. But it’s reasonable to expect your boyfriend to marry you within the first 3–4 years of your relationship, especially if you’re both over 30.
As long as you’re being reasonable, it’s wise to move on from any man who doesn’t want to make an appropriate level of commitment to you.
Bad dating advice — and why
I guess my answers to these questions didn’t go down well because I wasn’t featured in the article. So, let’s go through some of the bad advice that was featured in the article.
She listed 6 signs he’s still ‘The One’ even though he has commitment issues.
It’s not all about you
I’m going to group signs 1, 2 and 3 together because they’re all problematic for the same reason:
Sign #1 was: ‘Your core values are the same.’
Sign #2 was: ‘You just get him.’
Sign #3 was: ‘You’re just happy being with him.’
Notice what these three signs have in common? They’re all about you, what you think and what you feel about the relationship.
Well, it doesn’t matter if YOU think your core values are the same or YOU feel you just get him or YOU are just happy being with him. What matters is you BOTH agree your core values are the same, you BOTH feel you just get each other and you’re BOTH happy just being together.
Your opinion alone is irrelevant.
Relationships are about two people — not one. And by the way, if your core values were the same, you’d both agree you want to be exclusive, or life partners, or married, or whatever type of commitment you agreed on.
Labels matter
Sign #4 he’s still ‘The One’ even though he has commitment issues was: ‘You’re committed to being together without any official labels.’
This is really dangerous. Because if you didn’t want any official labels, you wouldn’t be reading that article. And if you attempt to convince yourself you don’t need labels, like ‘boyfriend’, ‘partner’ or ‘husband’, you’ll end up miserable.
When men say ‘I don’t like labels’ or ‘Let’s just keep it casual’, what they’re really saying is ‘I enjoy your company and intimacy and I want to keep you around for that when I feel like it, but I don’t see a future with you.’ So…
Learn to read between the lines. Actions — or inaction — speak louder than words.
Now, this arrangement is fine when you both feel equally as casual. Personally, I had a number of ‘friends with benefits’ before I met my husband, David — and it worked because I truly didn’t want anything more from them. But if you know in your heart you want more from a particular man, please don’t waste your time hanging out in Label-Free Land.
He’s not serious about you. A man who’s serious about you wants to take you off the market. A man who’s serious about you wants to claim you as his own — not in a possessive way, of course, but in a loving way. A man who’s serious about you is proud to introduce you to his family, friends and work colleagues as his girlfriend, partner or wife.
Please don’t make the mistake of thinking that if he just spends some more time with you, he’ll eventually fall in love with you or be able to give you the kind of commitment you always wanted from him. He probably won’t. Your best bet is to let go, move on and find someone who’s psyched to put a label like ‘boyfriend’, ‘partner’ or ‘husband’ on your relationship.
If commitment is his only issue, it’s a BIG issue
Sign #5 he’s still ‘The One’ even though he has commitment issues was: The commitment issue is his only issue.
Um, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. That’s like saying the verbal abuse issue is his only issue — when he’s not screaming at me everything’s wonderful. Or the addiction issue is his only issue — if he didn’t drink himself to sleep every night, our relationship would be perfect. Or the lack of intimacy issue is his only issue — if we had sex more than once or twice a year, I’d be really happy with him. You get the idea.
If a commitment issue is his only issue, it’s more than an issue — it’s a deal breaker.
And I mean a real deal breaker. Not a petty deal breaker, like him not being tall, rich or well-dressed enough for you. Commitment is one of the core foundations of a relationship, like trust, respect, kindness, loyalty and good communication skills. If you don’t have commitment, you have nothing.
And finally…
You can’t quit ‘each other’ or YOU can’t quit HIM?
Sign #6 he’s still ‘The One’ even though he has commitment issues was: ‘You can’t seem to quit each other.’
Now, I’m going to read you this whole excruciating section, but it’s just one paragraph: ‘If you choose to break it off, spend time trying to meet other people, but just can’t seem to get him off your mind then he might be ‘The One’ for you. If this is the case, you need to figure out how to get him to feel more comfortable moving forward in the relationship and taking the next step. He can’t stay a commitment-phobe forever.’
Um, kill me. Kill me now. Let’s break this down…
The trouble with the first part is it’s all about you. Here it is again: ‘If you choose to break it off, spend time trying to meet other people, but just can’t seem to get him off your mind then he might be ‘The One’ for you.’
I’m sorry, but no. That’s not true at all. Because it doesn’t matter how YOU feel. It only matters how HE feels.
The reason you’re at a stalemate is because you don’t feel the same way about each other. You want different things. In order for there to be a commitment, you both need to agree to commit.
Can you imagine if the genders were reversed here and a man wrote a dating advice article for men telling them if they can’t get a woman off their mind — regardless of how she feels — then she might be The One? There’d be an uproar! If a man has said no to you then take it literally. No means no.
Here’s the second part again: ‘If this is the case, you need to figure out how to get him to feel more comfortable moving forward in the relationship and taking the next step. He can’t stay a commitment-phobe forever.’
Firstly, you can’t get someone to feel anything or do what you want them to do. They have to come to those conclusions on their own. And if they don’t then you’re simply not a match.
Secondly, they absolutely CAN stay a commitment-phobe forever. It’s called having an avoidant attachment style. But they probably won’t. They’ll end up effortlessly committing to someone — it just won’t be you.
My final word on #6 ‘You can’t seem to quit each other’ is: While that may be true, the reality is you’re both having trouble quitting different things.
You’re having trouble quitting wanting more from him, seeing a future with him or being in love with him and he’s having trouble quitting using you for company and sex.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but just because he keeps hanging out with you doesn’t mean he feels what you feel or wants what you want.
Commitment should come fairly easily
Phew! Sorry. I know that was a whole lotta tough love for one article. But…
The reason I’m so passionate about this is because there’s nothing more time-wasting and soul-crushing than hanging around, living off crumbs and trying to squeeze a commitment out of someone who just doesn’t want to commit to you.
My job isn’t to tell you what you want to hear. My job is to tell you what you need to hear to find a life partner or husband who makes you truly happy.
What you want to hear is that the man you love will eventually come around if you just stop having reasonable needs, such as an appropriate level of commitment for the stage of the relationship. Surely if you’re cool enough and patient enough, you’ll win him over, right? Wrong. The chances of that happening are extremely low.
Now, I’m sure in the history of dating, there have been a few exceptions to the rule. But my point is it’s not a safe bet.
It’s never worked for me. And it’s never worked WITH me. I’ve had men hang around hoping I’d fall in love with them and I just never did. The only difference was I didn’t lead them on. I was clear about my feelings right from the start, but they chose to ignore them.
The wrong approach to finding love
If your approach to finding love is to find the sexiest man you can get who ticks as many boxes on your ‘dream man’ list as possible and then accept whatever crumbs he throws you, you’re going about it the wrong way.
And I should know because I went about it this way for many wasteful years. It’s NOT the path to true love and happiness. It’s the path to misery.
Like, the guy who excites you the most, but doesn’t contact you through the week between weekend dates. Or the guy who insists you’re important to him, but he needs to focus on his career right now. Or the guy who says he loves you but doesn’t act as though he loves you. It’s all BS.
The foundation of a good relationship is being with someone who’s excited about you, someone who contacts you frequently and wants to see you regularly, someone who prioritises you and someone who makes you feel happy, relaxed and content.
That’s where you start. Everything grows from there. You find him attractive — tick. You enjoy his company — tick. He makes you laugh — tick. You think he’s intelligent — tick. You do fun activities together — tick. You meet each other’s family and friends — tick. And so on.
When I met my husband, David, it was effortless right from the start. And as we went out on more and more dates and got to know each other, I learned that he WAS my dream man. I just didn’t realise it immediately.
Relationship stages and their levels of commitment
This is something we navigate every step of the way on your journey to love in the Your Dating Bestie community. There are times to be easygoing and give a guy a break or second chance. And there are times to read between the lines, let go and move forward.
So-called ‘commitment issues’ are a red flag. No matter how great he is, you won’t be happy if he can’t give you an appropriate level of commitment for the stage you’re at:
4–6 weeks, you should be exclusive — no live dating profiles, dates or intimacy with anyone else
2–3 months, you should officially be ‘in a relationship’, calling each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ or ‘partners’, meeting each other’s family and friends and making short-term plans, like weekends away. You’re getting to know each other as a couple and it’s okay if it doesn’t progress beyond this stage.
1–2 years, you should be moving in together and/or getting engaged
2–4 years, you should be getting married, having kids, buying a house or whatever ‘happily ever after’ means to you as a couple.
That’s why you need to discuss and agree to each stage of the relationship.
If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this:
No commitment = no relationship.
You deserve more and I have every confidence you’ll be able to find it.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
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