Compatibility: Why Everything You Thought You Knew About It is Wrong
Which traits are important for a long, happy life together and which ones don't matter so much? You're about to find out!
Read article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here
How do you know when you’ve found a compatible partner to share your life with?
This is one of the most important questions you’ll ever need to answer when it comes to your long-term romantic happiness. And yet, no one ever teaches you how to answer it. Apparently, algebra and Shakespeare are far more important subjects. (Ugh, don’t even get me started on all the rubbish you learn at school when you could be learning valuable life skills.)
So, I’m going to teach you how to answer this important question.
Compatibility first thoughts
When I say the word ‘compatibility’, what are the first ideas that come to mind? Let’s go down the list of things I think you might say:
1. Being fairly close in age
2. Sharing a race or culture
3. Holding similar religious beliefs
4. Holding similar political beliefs
5. Having many common interests
6. Being able to relate to each other’s careers
7. Being a similar level of physical attractiveness
It’s not an exhaustive list, but it’s a good start.
If you found a partner who ticked all of these boxes, you’d be pretty darn compatible, right? Wrong!
This list has next to nothing to do with compatibility.
And I’m going to explain exactly why.
№1: Being fairly close in age
While it helps to have the same pop culture references, such as music, movies or TV, and be at a similar life stage, such as both being students, or both working full time, or both being ready to get married, or both wanting to have kids, just being close in age doesn’t make you compatible.
You’re not necessarily more compatible with someone who’s within 2 years of your age than you are with someone who’s within 10 years of your age.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think big age differences can be problematic. But not always. Because age alone is not a marker of compatibility.
№2: Sharing a race or culture
Just because you’re black and he’s black or you’re Italian and he’s Italian doesn’t mean you’re compatible. It just means you have a sense of familiarity. They’re two different things.
Don’t limit yourself to only dating men within your race or culture because it’s extremely limiting. You’ll have more chances of finding a true love match if you date both inside and outside of your race or culture.
№3: Holding similar religious beliefs
Just because you’re both Jewish, or you both believe in a higher power, or you’d both describe yourselves as ‘spiritual’, or you’re both atheists, it doesn’t mean you’re compatible. It just means you’re in agreement when it comes to religion — or a lack thereof.
It’s nice to agree on things. But simply holding similar religious beliefs is not a marker of compatibility. Are you seeing a pattern here?
№4: Holding similar political beliefs
Just because you’re both left-leaning, or both right-leaning, or both centrists, or you both couldn’t care less if the country was being run by a president, a prime minister or a pineapple, it doesn’t automatically make you compatible. It just means you’ll argue less over the daily news.
Arguing less is a good thing in a relationship. But simply agreeing on politics isn’t proof of compatibility.
Are you getting sick of me yet? Well, hang in there because we have three more to go. But trust me — the payoff will be totally worth it.
№5: Having many common interests
Surely, this one’s a winner. The more common interests you have, the more compatible you are, yes? Um, no.
You do need to be able to spend time together — lots of time together! And it’s nice when you both want to go hiking, or to the beach, or to the mountains, or to the movies. And it’s delightful if you both love horror films, or reality TV, or 90s grunge music, or spending your Saturdays in search of the perfect ice cream flavour.
But having ten common interests with Jack and only three common interests with John doesn’t necessarily make you more compatible with Jack. John is still in the running.
№6: Being able to relate to each other’s careers
What if you’re a doctor and he’s a nurse, or he’s a lawyer and you’re a paralegal, or you’re a real estate agent and he’s a property manager, or you’re both butchers, bakers or candlestick makers? Doesn’t that make you more compatible? Not necessarily.
It’s nice when you partner understands your career. But it’s not integral to your compatibility. And finally…
№7: Being a similar level of physical attractiveness
Of course, physical attractiveness is subjective. But you know what I mean.
For example, he’s gym fit and you’re gym fit. Or he loves tattoos and you love tattoos. Or you’re clean-cut and well-dressed and he’s clean-cut and well-dressed. You get the idea.
Does being in the same physical attractiveness realm make you more compatible? Potentially. But it’s not a given.
Phew! Okay, babe. You hung in there through that long list. And now I’m going to reward you with the big reveal.
The three markers of compatibility
So, what DOES make you compatible with a man? Three things…
How much you enjoy his company
How consistently well he treats you
How smoothly your relationship functions
That’s it. They’re the only three items you need to check off your list to know whether or not you’re compatible with a man and could potentially spend the rest of your life with him.
But as with the first list, let me explain each one in a little more detail so you fully understand.
№1: How much you enjoy his company
When I say this, I’m referring to four things:
How much you enjoy his company on a friendship level
How much you enjoy his company on a romantic level
How much you enjoy his company on an intimate level
How much you enjoy his company on an acceptance level
Friendship
Friendship level means talking, laughing and spending time together.
Romantic
Romantic level means attraction, affection and romantic gestures.
Intimate
Intimate level means sex.
Acceptance
Acceptance level means being able to accept him as he is because you appreciate his qualities and are genuinely able to let go of his flaws rather than feeling the need to nag him or change him.
None of these levels will ever be perfect. And some will be stronger than others. But they need to be good enough to spend a lifetime with someone.
If you enjoy his company on every level, you’ve just ticked off compatibly marker №1: Company.
№2: How consistently well he treats you
In order to be happy in a life partnership or marriage, your partner or husband needs to treat you well at least 90% of the time.
He needs to be a good listener, a good communicator and a team player. He needs to be honest, loyal and trustworthy. He needs to be thoughtful, generous and empathetic. And he needs to pull his weight with housework, kids and pets.
You will NOT be happy with a man whose company you enjoy but who doesn’t treat you well.
If you like how he treats you as much as you enjoy his company, you can tick off compatibility marker №2: Treatment.
And finally…
№3: How smoothly your relationship functions
There are two aspects to this: commitment and conflict resolution.
Commitment
If you’re a client or you’ve read my other articles or listened to my podcast episodes, you’ll probably remember my saying about commitment:
‘Commitment is a series of mini commitments.’
It’s something that slowly but surely progresses over time and is verbally discussed and agreed upon. It means you gracefully move from dating to exclusivity to being boyfriend/girlfriend to living together to ‘happily ever after’ — whatever that means to you as a couple.
It could just mean being life partners and sharing a home. Or it could mean the whole shebang — buying a house, getting engaged, planning a big wedding, getting married and having kids and/or pets.
If you can’t agree on a certain level of commitment, your relationship isn’t progressing or functioning very smoothly.
Conflict resolution
Okay, so let’s say you’re committed to each other. How often do you fight and how quickly do you recover from those fights? This will also determine how smoothly your relationship functions.
Ideally, you don’t fight very often. And when you do, it’s resolved quickly, easily and fairly — no lingering resentment or silent treatments.
If you’re committed to each other but want to learn how to get along a bit better, go to couples counselling. Communication and conflict resolution are skills you can learn — but only if you both want to.
Deal breakers
Having said all that, there are some deal breakers:
Kids and lifestyles
If you want completely different lifestyles, it won’t work. For instance, if you want to have kids and he doesn’t (or vice versa). Or if you want to live in the city and he wants to live in the country (or vice versa).
Bad habits and addictions
Bad habits and addictions can also be deal breakers. For instance, if you don’t want to spend your life with a smoker and he has no intention of quitting smoking. Or if you don’t want to spend your life with someone who gets drunk or high on a regular basis (even if it’s legal). Addictions can be overcome. But I’d advise against getting into a new relationship where he (or you) has an addiction. It’s just not a great start to things.
Debunking that list of ‘compatibilities’
Finally, let me go back to that original list and quickly run down why they’re not necessarily markers of compatibility…
№1: Being fairly close in age
This can play a role in you enjoying each other’s company and being ready for a certain level of commitment. But don’t let simply being close in age trick you into believing you’re compatible. There are exceptions to every rule and your Mr Right might end up being a little older or younger than you expected.
Personally, I’m not a fan of big age differences. But my husband, David, is ten years older than me. I wanted someone youthful — and that’s exactly what I got.
David looks younger, dresses younger and has a much younger vibe than a lot of men my own age.
№2: Sharing a race or culture
You might think you want someone who’s also black or also Italian or also Scandinavian, but what you really want is someone whose company you enjoy, who treats you well and who’s fully committed to you.
Focus on what’s important.
If your Mr Right ends up sharing your race or culture, great. But if he brings his own beautiful race or culture to the table, that’s also great.
№3: Holding similar religious beliefs
As long as you both understand and respect each other’s religious beliefs, you don’t need to share a religion.
Sometimes, it can even be double the fun! Kids who get both Christmas presents and Hanukkah presents will never complain about their parents having different religious beliefs.
And a believer and an atheist CAN live happily ever after if they’re able to accept each other’s different points of view when it comes to life and death.
№4: Holding similar political beliefs
Again, as long as you both understand and respect each other’s political beliefs, you don’t need to vote the same way to be compatible.
Instead of mindlessly agreeing on everything, you’ll probably end up having some really interesting discussions — and maybe even teaching each other a thing or two.
№5: Having many common interests
A long, happy life with someone isn’t about how many things you do together but how well you get along.
It’s important to have SOME common interests. But it’s also important to have some separate interests so, when you get together, you have something new to talk about.
№6: Being able to relate to each other’s careers
There are pros and cons to understanding each other’s job or industry.
When you have similar careers, your partner might be able to empathise more — but they’re also able to criticise more.
For instance, if he works in the corporate world and you’re a school teacher, all that matters is that he respects what you do. He doesn’t need to understand what it’s like to wrangle a room full of little kids or rowdy teenagers to draw you a bath or massage your feet after a long, hard day.
№7: Being a similar level of physical attractiveness
If he’s gym fit and you’re not, you might assume you need to start going to the gym. But if he’s with you, it’s because he finds you attractive as you are. He might like your soft curves or the fact that he can have some alone-time at the gym rather than you tagging along or commenting on his form.
Just strive to be your best self. Your Mr Right will love it — and your Mr Wrong will move along.
And when he does, good riddance. He wasn’t ‘The One’.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING - Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.
I think a really important point of compatibility is tempo. Some people make decisions quickly; some like to take time to mull it over. No two people will ever be exactly the same but I think being roughly in the same ballpark is important.