Great first date - no second date? Here's how to handle it like a queen.
You thought you hit it off on the first date and then, much to your surprise and disappointment, he didn't follow up for a second date. Here's how to bounce back with ease.
Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here.
From fireworks to fizzle in one date
Finally, a great first date! You’re ecstatic. The conversation flowed, the laughter was effortless and you felt a mutual attraction.
Now, you can’t wait for Date #2. Except… it never comes.
What the heck? Is he sick? Injured? Dead? Is there something wrong with your phone? Or worse — is there something wrong with YOU?
After that epic encounter, how did this goober… ahem, guy… come to the conclusion that he never wants to see you ever again as long as he lives?
What are you supposed to make of this? Does it mean you’re unattractive? That you said or did something that gave him the ‘ick’? That men aren’t looking for a relationship? Your head is spinning and your heart is sinking.
Let’s tackle this Q&A style. This question is from a woman who wants to know how to bounce back after not being asked out on a second date by a man she truly thought she had a connection with. My answer includes my personal experience with this phenomenon and exactly how to handle it.
Question: How could I be so wrong about something that felt so right?
Hi Elly,
I’m 34 and have been doing the inner work I feel is required to get back on the dating apps and try my luck at finding love.
Three weeks ago, I matched with a wonderful guy. We exchanged numbers, texted in-depth and had a great phone chat. Our conversations were effortless, deep and wholesome — nothing sexual.
It was so nice to have an emotional connection that was reciprocated. And when he said, ‘I don’t want to be presumptuous, but I think we’re going to be spending a lot more time together’, I felt my walls coming down.
Finally, we met for a date. We spent about three hours together and the conversation flowed. No awkwardness. It was as if I’d known him for years.
After the date, we continued to text, but the frequency dropped. I asked if he’d like to meet up again and he said he was busy with work. But he continued to keep in touch via text.
Eventually, he asked if I wanted to catch up. I said, ‘Oh, I thought you were giving me the cold shoulder.’ He said, ‘To be honest, I don’t feel a romantic spark, but I’m happy to hang out as friends.’
Um, hello! Why couldn’t he have said that after the first date? Now, all I seem to be able to take away from this is that I’m not physically attractive. How could he rule me out after only three hours?
What I want to know is how do I NOT let this emotionally drain me and put me off dating? How do I grieve the loss of something that seemed real but actually wasn’t? I’m feeling confused, frustrated and hopeless.
Sincerely,
Annie
Answer: Don’t judge a date by the date itself — judge it by the follow-up
Hi Annie,
I know exactly how you feel — and it totally sucks.
I did 11 years of online dating before I met my husband, David. This kind of thing happened to me countless times. But that was because I let it.
I fell in love with clever dating profiles and witty text messages. I built up relationships in my head before I’d even met the guy or only met him once. I assumed that if I was feeling it, he must be feeling it too. I thought frilly words that hinted at a future meant something. Wrong, wrong, wrong!
Let me tell you about the last two men I went on date with before I met David. Both men asked me out on a second date while we were still on the first date — and neither of them ever took me out again.
The first one kept in touch with me for a month while never locking in a second date. After a while, I got sick of waiting and tried to arrange the second date myself. He didn’t respond and I never heard from him again.
The second one stood me up. He asked me to call him on Sunday after brunch with my girlfriends and we’d go do something. I called a few times that day and he never answered. The next day, I received an email from him with some lame excuse about how he wasn’t ready for a relationship.
What did I learn from this? That what happens on the date means nothing. It’s all about the follow-up. If they contact you within a day and take you out again within a week, they’re genuinely interested in you. And if they don’t, they’re not. Or they’re flaky. Either way, you’re not missing anything. You want a man who’s not only keen on you but keeps his promises.
Speaking of men who keep their promises… You might be interested to know that just 8 days after I was stood up, I met David. I had no idea my Mr Right was just around the corner. Thank goodness I never gave up!
It’s important to remember that the next guy has nothing to do with the last guy. He’s a completely different person. He’s a clean slate.
So, you have every right to feel hurt. But try to put logic before emotion.
Just because one guy met you and didn’t feel the desire he needed to feel to proceed to a second date does NOT mean you’re undesirable.
Have you ever NOT been attracted to someone attractive? I have. Many times. Chemistry is mysterious and timing can have an impact.
For instance, if David and I had met just a few years earlier, we wouldn’t be together today — because we wouldn’t have realized how perfect we were as a couple and we wouldn’t have given it a proper go. We both needed a few more years and a few more experiences to reach that enlightened place.
As for not being upfront about his lack of interest after meeting: I know it’s frustrating, but it’s also pretty standard dating protocol. Most people think it’s perfectly acceptable to communicate a lack of interest by showing a lack of interest. Actions (especially inaction) speak louder than words.
So, here’s my prescription for you: Spend one day (okay, one weekend at the most) eating your favorite treats and binge-watching your go-to comfort shows and movies. And then get back on the apps or out to a singles event.
You can’t judge dating by one disappointing date or even a handful of disappointing dates. You need a much bigger sample size. Let’s say 100 dates! Go out with 100 guys you’re somewhat interested in and, if you’re still single, contact me. But you won’t be. It’s almost statistically impossible.
So, please, for the love of salted caramel gelato, do NOT let this one disappointing experience put you off dating. Your Mr Right is out there! Some women get lucky and find him quickly and easily. And other women (like us) have to work a little harder and wait a little longer.
All you need to do is never give up. Okay, that’s not ALL you need to do. Learning how to date more effectively will help. But mostly, my advice is to never give up until you find the love you deserve.
Love,
Elly
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING — Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.