How to deal with disrespectful dudes on dating apps and hate men less
Stop letting d**kheads on dating apps ruin your chances of finding love online - and start taking your power back.
Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode.
Knickers in a knot?
Losers, a**holes, d**kheads, douches, sleazebags, creeps, pr*cks, incels… Whatever you want to call them, if there’s one thing single women really get their knickers in a knot over, it’s disrespectful dudes on dating apps.
If you had never done online dating and only ever heard about it through friends, social media and mainstream media, you’d think ALL men on dating apps were scum and NO ONE ever finds love online.
Except that about 50% of people now meet their life partner online. That’s tens of millions of online dating success stories. So, it can’t be all bad.
Are there disrespectful dudes on dating apps? 100% yes. Should you let them stop you from looking for love online? 100% no. That would be giving them way too much power — and you’re better than that.
Here’s how to handle disrespectful dudes on dating apps so you can continue using online dating as a helpful modern tool for finding Mr Right.
What exactly makes a dude disrespectful?
Firstly, let’s define what ‘disrespectful’ means.
I’m not going to get into the weeds of all the countless examples of dudes being disrespectful on dating apps. I’ll just sum it up as follows:
Anything that makes you feel particularly uncomfortable.
You don’t need a degree in psychology or linguistics to know when you feel particularly uncomfortable. Evolutionary biology has blessed you with an intuition. Every woman has it and it’s designed to keep you safe.
Whether it’s on his dating profile, in his messages, over the phone or on a date, if he seems angry, or bitter, or possessive, or needy, or controlling, or manipulative, or selfish, or untrustworthy, or unreliable, or unkind, or maybe even cruel, don’t walk — run!
It’s one thing to be open-minded and give more men a chance (which I strongly encourage you do if you want to find Mr Right). It’s another thing to put up with poor treatment and let men make you feel like crap.
What to do and what NOT to do with these men
Here’s what NOT to do with disrespectful dudes on dating apps:
Don’t attempt to teach them a lesson by calling them out. You’re not going to teach them anything. You’re only going to tie yourself in knots — and they’re not worth your time or energy.
Don’t rant about them on social media. OMG, this drives me crazy! I come across so many posts and videos of women up in arms about how some chump they met on a dating app treated them. And all the comments underneath say something like: ‘See, this is why I’ll never use a dating app ever again’. And I want to scream: ‘He’s just one guy! Stop giving him so much power. Forget about him and move forward. The next guy you swipe right on could be the love of your life!’ The more you rant about disrespectful dudes on dating apps or consume this type of content, the more unnecessarily bitter you’ll feel about men. And feeling bitter about men, and bringing that negative vibe to the dating table, will NOT bode well if your goal is to find love with a man.
Don’t let them stop you from using dating apps as a flawed but efficient tool for finding Mr Right. For every disrespectful dude there are at least two genuine gentlemen who want nothing more than to fall in love and live happily ever after. Focus on them — not on the ones who upset you.
And here’s what TO do with disrespectful dudes on dating apps
Stop interacting with them. If you’re looking at their profile, swipe left. If you’re messaging with them on the dating app, un-match. If you’re messaging with them off the dating app, stop. If you’re speaking with them on the phone, tell them you need to go and hang up. And if you’re on a date with them, make an excuse and leave. You don’t owe them anything. I repeat: YOU DON’T OWE THEM ANYTHING. They’re strangers. They’re nobodies. And if they’re disrespectful, they’re done.
Block and report. If they were particularly disrespectful and you never want to cross paths with them ever again, block them on the dating app, block their phone number, block them on social media and block them from you mind. Just forget about them and move forward. If they were overtly rude, creepy or offensive (like, they sent you a dick pic), report them to the dating app so they can potentially remove their profile.
Keep your wits about you. You’re not to be moved off the dating app and onto another platform, like WhatsApp, where you can be scammed. You’re not to send nude pictures of yourself. You’re not to give money. You’re not to travel long distances to meet a stranger (if they want to meet you, they can come to you). And you’re not to go to a man’s private home for a first date. You’re to be alert but not alarmed. If something doesn’t feel right, listen to your intuition and stay safe.
Disrespectful dudes on dating apps Vs in real life
When it comes to dating, disrespectful dudes have always existed. They existed well before dating apps and they’ll exist well after dating apps.
Have you ever walked past a construction site and had sleazy men gawk at you, whistle at you, say ‘Hey, baby’ to you or shout something gross, like ‘Show us your tits’, at you? And have you ever let those disrespectful dudes stop you from dating and looking for love? Of course you haven’t.
The same goes for online dating. Those wolf-whistling construction worker types are on dating apps too. You just need to learn how to walk past them without getting upset and letting them ruin your day — or your life!
Was he really disrespectful though?
Now, having said all that, what you DON’T want to do is assume the worst of men and treat them as though they’re guilty until proven innocent.
Because here’s the thing: Most people aren’t very good at online dating — starting with their dating profile. Women aren’t good at crafting dating profiles. And men REALLY aren’t good at crafting dating profiles.
The mystery of bad dating profiles solved
This is why you see so many bad dating profiles with questionable choices, such as ‘Why did he choose that terrible picture of himself?’, or ‘Why did he select ‘Someday’ in response to the ‘Do you want to have kids?’ question when he’s over 40?’, or ‘What does he mean by ‘old fashioned values’?’
Most people have trouble selecting strong dating profile pictures and putting those pictures in the right order.
And most people have trouble writing about themselves. So, their dating profile often ends up sounding like a resume, or a generic list of qualities and interests that could apply to almost anyone, or a bunch of cringe-worthy clichés they’ve seen in other dating profiles.
Out of desperation, some people will copy a dating profile they thought was clever but probably wasn’t. Or they’ll ask AI to write their dating profile for them, which might read well but fails to connect on a deeper level.
If you need any more evidence that people don’t know how to write an ad (which is what a dating profile is), just watch this year’s Superbowl commercials. They all sucked. I didn’t like a single one of them. And this is coming from someone who used to sit in those very rooms with those very people who write ads like the ones you saw during the Superbowl. Most of them were high-budget, low-concept and extremely cringe-worthy. Don’t get me wrong — I’ve seen some great ads in my time. But these weren’t it.
So, if the best and brightest minds in the advertising industry struggle to write a decent ad, don’t expect the world from your average Joe.
When in doubt, find out
If you’re on the fence as to whether he’s a decent dude or a disrespectful dude, use the ‘When in doubt, find out’ method.
Keep an open mind, get to know him just a little bit better or simply ask (with genuine curiosity) what he meant by this or that and see how he responds. If he gets defensive, gives you an unpleasant answer or doesn’t answer at all, he’s a disrespectful dude and you can ditch him. But he might surprise you. And you might discover that you misjudged him.
If I’d taken everything my husband, David, said or did too literally within the first month of our relationship, we wouldn’t be happily married now. In some cases, I chose to overlook a few things as I got to know him a bit better. In other cases, I flat-out asked him what he meant by this or that. And nothing turned out to be the deal breaker I thought it might be.
The reason I did this was because, overall, I had a good feeling about him. If I’d made assumptions, classified him as a disrespectful dude and gave up on online dating altogether, I’d probably still be single. Not that there’s anything wrong with being single, but I was looking for love — and found it.
On the road to love, expect some idiot drivers
In short: Stop letting disrespectful dudes ruin your love life. Stop allowing them to put you off dating. Stop giving them so much of your time and energy. And stop letting them get in the way of you finding Mr Right.
Take back your power. Become a pro at dismissing them, dumping them and moving on from them. Think of them as some idiot driver tailgating you on the road to ‘happily ever after’. Would you let a tailgater stop you from driving? Then don’t let a disrespectful dude stop you from dating.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING — Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.