How to Glide From Dating to a Relationship With the Grace of a Gazelle

'Where is this going?' You want to know, but don't want to ask. Here's how to move from dating to a relationship in two easy steps after you've been seeing each other for a month or so.

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here

You know when you’ve been dating a man for a month or two and you’re at the point where you need it to progress to some level of commitment but you don’t want to ask him that dreaded question, ‘Where is this going?’ 

I’m going to teach you exactly how to take control of this extremely common situation and get yourself out of dating purgatory and either into a relationship with the man you’re seeing or back out on the dating scene when you can find a man who’s psyched to be committed to you.

Don’t go with ‘Where is this going?’

Let me start with an excerpt of an intriguing article I stumbled upon. 

The title of the article is: Don’t Ask Him Where Your Relationship is Going Because He’s Telling You the Whole Time. 

On the whole, I liked the article. But I didn’t fully agree with it. And I’ll explain why in a moment. Okay, here’s the excerpt…

If he’s not asking you out often, he’s not interested in a relationship. If he only texts you when he’s bored at work, he’s not interested in a relationship. If you only hear from him in the middle of the night, he’s not interested in anything but sex. This is also why you don’t only date him, you date tons of guys all at the same time. Let the best man effing win, dammit!

What has this guy done to deserve your exclusivity? What has he done to prove to you that you should cut off all your other options? You pressing him for a verbal answer isn’t going to make him want to be with you. And it isn’t going to make you look like a confident, sexy woman. A confident sexy woman is paying attention to who is paying attention to her.

I was up late last night watching trash TV when I saw a perfect example of exactly what I’m talking about. The couple was a 34 year-old woman and a 29 year-old millionaire entrepreneur/rapper man. They’d been dating for a year. He got her a diamond bracelet for her birthday — not an engagement ring. And she was pissed. She decided she needed to talk to him about this. I started screaming at the TV: ‘Don’t do it!’ She wanted to know where this relationship was going. She’s 34 and wants to get married and have kids.

It’s a relationship — not a business transaction. You’re dealing with an actual person with their own feelings and wants and timeline. He said he loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her but that he wasn’t ready to get married. She wouldn’t accept that. She wanted a guarantee that if she waited for him, he’d eventually marry her.

That’s not how relationships work. No one can guarantee you anything. That’s the risk you take in love. Do you love him? Then it shouldn’t matter when it happens. And pressuring him isn’t going to make it happen any sooner. 

Only it did. He took her ring-shopping the next day. But here’s the thing: her pressure didn’t make him any more ready to marry her. It made him afraid to lose her. So, she was going to get a Shut the Eff Up ring out of fear instead of an inspired, heartfelt proposal. 

She said to him, ‘Are you doing this because you feel like I pressured you?’ And that’s why you don’t do this kind of thing — because you’ll never know the truth. You’ll never know if he asked you because you pressured him or because he really wanted to. 

The ONLY way to know if a man truly wants to be with you is if it’s HIS idea, HIS choice, of his own volition and not from any manipulation on your part. Isn’t that what you want? Someone who wants you because you’re you and not because you have to convince, threaten or pressure them to be with you?

Spoiler alert: The diamond bracelet was a cubic zirconia and they’re still not engaged. Shocker.

Pay attention to who’s paying attention to you

Okay, that’s the end of the excerpt. And I have a few things to say about it.

Firstly, this was by far my favourite line: 

‘A confident, sexy woman is paying attention to who’s paying attention to her.’ 

Touché! That one line alone was worth the entire article. 

And I liked the general idea that if you don’t let the man take the lead — if you’re the one who’s always pushing the relationship forward — you’ll never know how he truly feels about you. That’s true.

Be a part of setting the pace

But here’s where my view differs from the author’s view…

It’s not all about him, his feelings and his timeline. 

You’re in the relationship too. You have needs too. So, you have every right to be a part of setting the pace if you feel things are moving too slowly or, in some cases, too quickly. 

However, there’s an art to it. And that’s what I want to teach you in this article.

You’re allowed to have boundaries 

Let me start by telling you a story. I once heard this podcaster explain how he got together with his girlfriend. He said they met through friends and were dating casually for a few months. 

Then one day, she put her foot down and asked him, ‘Hey, do you want this or not?’ He thought about it for a moment and replied, ‘Yes, I do.’ And that was that. He said they were currently happy, in love and working towards a future together. 

Now, did you catch the most important part? It was when she asked him, ‘Do you want this or not?’ 

She may not have said those exact words, but the point is she wasn’t willing to continue dating him in a casual, undefined state. So, she did something many women either don’t think of doing or are too scared to do: She set a boundary. Either you’re in or you’re out, buddy! 

Because, newsflash: You’re allowed to have boundaries!

When I finally discovered that I, moi, was allowed to have boundaries, it was a revelation to me, which is kinda sad when you think about it. 

If a reasonable amount of time has passed — say 1 to 2 months — and the subject of exclusivity hasn’t come up organically, there’s nothing wrong with bringing it up (sweetly, of course) and finding out if you and the man you’re dating are on the same page, especially if you’re being intimate or want to be intimate.

To be or not to be ‘desperate’ 

It only took me TWO DECADES (just two decades) to learn this. Prior to that, I thought the only way to transition from dating to a relationship was to pretend I didn’t want a relationship. Oh, the irony. 

I thought I had to be the ‘cool girl’ and remain in a holding pattern for many weeks or months beyond my comfort levels because, if I didn’t, that would make me desperate, right? Wrong. 

The desire for companionship, love and a rock-solid romantic partnership is an almost universal human need. So, there’s nothing desperate about calmly and reasonably communicating this need to someone you’re becoming increasingly intimate with. 

If you’re sharing your time, energy and body with someone, you should also be able to share your feelings with them. ‘Desperate’ is when you refuse to read between the lines or take no for an answer and continue to attempt to make a relationship happen with someone who clearly doesn’t want a relationship with you. That’s desperate. 

But knowing you want a relationship and setting reasonable boundaries as you move towards this goal? That’s cool, empowering and productive. Not desperate.

Commitment is a series of mini-commitments

Okay, now that we’ve established that: a) you’re allowed to have boundaries, and b) having boundaries is cool — not desperate, there’s something you need to know about commitment. And here it is: 

Commitment is a series of mini-commitments. 

And when you want to transition from dating to a relationship with the grace of a gazelle, there are two mini-commitments you and your man need to agree on…

Mini-commitment №1 is: The commitment to be exclusive

I’m going to use my own relationship as an example. 

David and I had been dating roughly once a week for a month with loads of daily contact, almost all of which he initiated. Our fourth date was an epic 24-hour date and the first time it really crossed my mind that this courtship could be going somewhere. 

When I woke up on the Sunday morning, I started thinking about the upcoming week. Our dating profiles were still live and I thought to myself, ‘You know, the idea of getting back online this week and looking for other men to date feels weird.’ I also thought, ‘And the idea of HIM getting back online this week and looking for other women to date feels weird.’

In the past, I would have thought, ‘Oh, no. What should I do? I can’t discuss it with him. I don’t want him to think I’m desperate.’ But I was 38, I’d been dating for over 20 years and I’d learned new skills by this stage. And I remembered that I was allowed to have reasonable boundaries. 

So, I said: ‘Hey, David. I just realised I no longer feel comfortable with us not being exclusive. The idea of either of us going out on a date with anyone else at this point feels weird to me. What do you think about us hiding our profiles, only dating each other and seeing how it goes?’ And without hesitation he said, ‘Sounds great. Let’s do it!’ So, that was mini-commitment №1 — The commitment to be exclusive.

So, now that you’ve reached mini-commitment №1 and agreed to be exclusive, are you in a relationship? 

Not quite. Not yet. For that, you’ll need to make… 

Mini-commitment №2: The commitment to be in a relationship

So, what exactly does it mean to be in a relationship? 

Well, I believe it means three things:

1. You’ve experienced being exclusive with each other, had a chat about how well it’s gone and have now verbally agreed that you’re officially in a relationship.

2. You’ve agreed to give each other a title, such as ‘girlfriend’, ‘boyfriend’ or ‘partner’ rather than the vague and casual ‘I’m seeing someone’ or ‘I’m dating someone’

3. You’ve agreed to start making your relationship public, such as meeting each other’s family and friends or, in this day and age, posting a picture of the two of you on social media or changing your relationship status.

Again, I’m going to use my own relationship as an example. Here’s how mini commitment №2 played out with David…

We were about two months into our courtship, including about a month of exclusivity, when David invited me away for the weekend to meet his family who lived in a small town a few hours’ drive out of Sydney. 

We were driving along, chatting, listening to music and having a wonderful time. As we neared our destination, something occurred to me and I said, ‘Hey, when you introduce me to your family, what are you going to introduce me as?’ And he said, ‘Um, I don’t know. I hadn’t really thought about it. A friend?’ 

I said, ‘Well, I’m not really a friend. We’ve been together for a couple of months. We’re in touch every evening for hours on end. And you’ve invited me away for the weekend to meet your family. I think it’s probably time you called me your girlfriend.’ 

And he said, ‘I’m not sure if I’m ready for that word.’ 

I replied, ‘If that’s the way you feel, that’s fine. But I have to be honest and say I’m not really comfortable with you referring to me as a friend considering the nature of our relationship. So, if you’re not ready to call me your girlfriend, maybe we should take a step back after this weekend.’ 

And he said, ‘Give me a bit of time to think about it and I’ll let you know.’ 

I said, ‘Okay, no worries.’ And I was happy to give him, like, a week or two. 

But that evening, we went out to dinner and he started saying ‘my girlfriend’ this and ‘my girlfriend’ that, like ‘My girlfriend would like a glass of water, please’ or ‘My girlfriend will have the chicken stir fry, thanks’. 

It was his very cute way of telling me he’d thought about it and he was officially on board with the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ titles.

The difference between mini-commitments 1 and 2

The difference between mini-commitment №1 — the commitment to be exclusive — and mini-commitment №2 — the commitment to be in a relationship — is that it’s important for both parties to try exclusivity on for size to see how it fits before making the leap from dating to a relationship. 

Give the guy a taste of what it’s like to have you as his girlfriend and give yourself a taste of what it’s like to have him as your boyfriend before you grant each other official ‘in a relationship’ status. 

But as with mini-commitment №1, don’t wait too long to make the transition. If you’ve been exclusive for about a month, assuming you’re spending quality time together at least once a week, and are in contact pretty much every day, it might be time to set a reasonable boundary once again and bring up the subject of mini-commitment №2 — the commitment to be in a relationship. 

Because the reality is not all men are looking for a relationship — or to put it bluntly — are looking for a relationship with you. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting they’re cheating on you. They’re genuinely happy to be exclusive… for now. But whether they consciously realise it or not, they don’t see a future with you. So, the idea of calling you their ‘girlfriend’ or introducing you to anyone in their circle doesn’t particularly interest them. 

That’s why it’s important you know where you stand sooner rather than later. When I say ‘commitment is a series of mini-commitments’, I mean it should slowly but surely progress. The moment it stops progressing is the moment you’ll discover that the man you’re seeing probably isn’t your future life partner or husband.

Demands Vs boundaries 

There was a time when I was terrified of making such ‘demands’ (so demanding) as to express my need for a mini-commitment. 

That was before I learned they weren’t demands. They were boundaries. And there’s nothing wrong with having reasonable boundaries and communicating exactly what those boundaries are as they arise. 

It’s all in the delivery!

Here’s how to communicate a boundary… Two words: Be. Warm.

Warm, warm, warmy warm. Like a bundle of laundry fresh out of a dryer. Be warm, assertive and understanding of his boundaries. 

If the two of you aren’t on the same page, you need to come up with a compromise or politely go your separate ways. 

I was lucky that David never showed any signs of us not being on the same page. But it was still important for me to check in with him and make sure, and then formally agree to certain levels of commitment.

So, what if your boundaries don’t align? What if you make your boundaries known to the man you’re seeing and he’s not on board with them? Well, you need to be prepared for this possibility. And for the record, it happened to me a few times before I met David.

In a nutshell, you just need to use your best judgement. 

What to do if he says he needs ‘more time’

If he says he needs more time, you have two options:

Option 1: If you feel his request for more time is reasonable, perhaps due to special circumstances, give him more time. But not too much. Probably no more than about a month.

Option 2: If you feel he’s had enough time and should know how he feels about you by now, stop dating him and start dating other men again. Understand and accept the fact that, unfortunately, this courtship isn’t going to end in the ‘happily ever after’ you were hoping for.

Phew! I know that was a whole lot of information and tough love for one article. I’ll wrap up by giving you the top 5 key takeaways:

Top 5 key takeaways 

1. There’s nothing desperate about wanting a relationship.

2. You’re allowed to have reasonable boundaries — and wanting exclusivity and then to be officially be in a relationship with a man you’ve been dating for a few months is a reasonable boundary.

3. Commitment is a series of mini-commitments. And when you want to transition from dating to a relationship, you both need to make two mini-commitments. Mini-commitment №1: The commitment to be exclusive. And mini-commitment №2: The commitment to be in a relationship, which includes verbally agreeing you’re in a relationship, calling each other ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ or ‘partners’ and going public by slowly but surely introducing each other to family and friends.

4. The best way to communicate a boundary is warmly. Clearly, assertively and warmly.

5. You must have respect for HIS boundaries and know how you’ll handle it if your boundaries don’t align.

That’s how to transition from dating to a relationship with the grace of a gazelle. While it’s important to let him lead, that doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of setting the pace.

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