Ready to date but not ready to be intimate? Here's how to set the pace.

Some women need more time than others to feel ready for intimacy - and that's okay. But making a man 'wait' can feel risky. Here's how to maintain this boundary without seeming like a prude.

Photo by outsidethccn dsgn on Unsplash

Read article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode here.

While many women might feel comfortable with one-night stands, friends with benefits, hooking up after a few dates, or being intimate after four to six weeks of dating and becoming exclusive, some women need more time.

I have clients who need more time.

One of my clients finds sex physically painful, so she needs a very patient and considerate lover. Another one of my clients simply doesn’t feel attraction until she’s really gotten to know and like a man. And despite being young and hot, another one of my clients can’t bring herself to have sex outside of a long-term relationship.

Just so you know, you don’t need to be a client of mine to receive advice directly from me. If you’re on my email list, you can reply to any one of my emails, ask me a dating question and I’ll respond within 24 hours.

Yes, really! Just go to my website and enter your email address to receive my 20-minute free training, Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.

But I digress.

Here’s one such question from a non-client that I answered at length…

Question: I’m ready to date but not ready to be intimate. What should I do?

Hi Elly,

I’m a 45 year-old woman and 2 years out of a decade-long marriage. After a few hook-ups that left me feeling used, I now have firm boundaries around getting to know a man and building a connection before being intimate.

I recently started dating someone I met online. After the second date and no kissing, he asked me to stay over. I explained I needed more time to get to know him. He seemed okay with that and, after a few more dates, we kissed. Again, he asked me to stay over. I still wasn’t ready, so I refused. He said he couldn’t wait for me forever and called it quits. I was hurt he didn’t want to continue getting to know me, but I think I made the right decision.

A few weeks later, I met another man online. I decided to make it clear upfront that I wanted to take things slow — no premature sleepovers. I even told him what happened with the last guy. He seemed understanding, we met for coffee and got along well. The next day, he asked me out on a second date — to his place for dinner and a sleepover. WTF? Apparently, being upfront about my boundaries made absolutely no difference. When I reiterated that I’m no where near ready for a sleepover, he called it quits.

Now, I’m questioning whether or not dating is even worth it. If every man is going to expect intimacy before I’m ready, what should I do?

Hope you can help,
Kate

Your first thoughts

Now, I know what you might be thinking…

• She shouldn’t feel pressure to do anything she doesn’t want to do

• This is why online dating sucks and you should only meet men offline

• The sexual revolution failed women by making men think they’re entitled to sex

While there might be some merit to these viewpoints, they don’t actually solve the problem.

What should Kate do if she wants to date and find love, but doesn’t want to be intimate before she feels ready?

Here’s how I answered her question…

Answer: Boundaries are important — but so is empathy

Hi Kate,

First and foremost, you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. I’d never advise you to sleep with men before you’re ready.

However, in order to be successful in dating, you need to understand where the other person is coming from, just as you’d like them to understand where you’re coming from. This goes for both men and women.

For instance, let’s say you were a man who wanted to date women and find a happy long-term relationship or marriage, but you had a ‘boundary’: You refused to spend one cent more than an even split of every bill on a date. That’s fair, right? Well, it might be fair, but it’s ineffective. Women find it generous, good manners and attractive when men pay for dates. Any man who wants to be successful with women needs to understand this.

Perhaps he should get to know women a bit better via messages and phone calls before taking them out. That way, he’ll be going on fewer but higher quality dates he won’t mind paying for. Perhaps he should only take women on affordable dates. Then, he won’t feel resentful or financially depleted. Or perhaps, after biting the bullet and paying for two dates with a woman he really likes, he can politely tell her he’d appreciate it if she chipped in.

The point is when you take the time to understand where the other person is coming from, you can make adjustments that benefit both of you.

In your case, you need to understand that men aren’t just dating you for your company. They can get company from their family, friends and work colleagues. They’re dating you because they’re hoping to have a romantic connection with you that will eventually include intimacy.

Your Mr Right absolutely WILL understand that you want to take things slow. But he’ll be thinking two things: 1) ‘How slow?’ And 2) ‘I don’t just want to get to know her on a friendship level. I also want to get to know her on a physical level and see how that feels, even if we don’t go all the way.’

Simply understanding this reality — like the man who understands the reality that most woman appreciate men who pay for dates — can be really helpful. From there, you can do whatever you’re comfortable with.

You don’t have to go straight from a peck on the lips to intercourse. You can show him over several dates that you’re warm, sexy and find him attractive in a variety of ways that will light his fire and keep him interested.

How about a good make-out session? How about getting a little hot and heavy with clothes on? How about just taking your top off? To men, this is the difference between dating and friendship. If you never touch him, kiss him, flirt with him or hint at more sexy stuff, he’ll think he’s in the friend zone. But if you make him feel as though you truly fancy him but you need to take things slow, you’ll be able to have your cake and eat it too.

And if you really don’t feel comfortable with any of the above, that’s okay. But you’ll need to become a pro at communicating your boundaries. I suggest you wait until at least one or two dates so the guy has a chance to meet and get to know you. Then you can give him a brief spiel, such as:

‘Dave, I want you to know I really like you and find you very attractive. But I’m not capable of rushing into intimacy. Just so you know exactly what that means, I need about five dates before kissing and then another five dates of fooling around fully clothed before I can even think about being intimate. I’d also need for us to be exclusive before intimacy. If you can handle this and think I’m worth it, I’d love to keep seeing you. But if you can’t wait or don’t think I’m worth the wait, that’s okay — but we’ll need to leave it here.’

This shows ‘Dave’ that you’re aware of his needs, but you’re also firm on your boundaries — and he has the choice to opt in or out without judgment.

Good news: Your Mr Right will opt in! And all the Mr Wrongs will opt out. So, don’t give them a second thought. You need to do what’s right for you.

Love,
Elly

Hooray for nuance

I hope you found this nuanced advice helpful.

Of course you should never do anything sexual you don’t want to do. But men aren’t necessarily pigs for desiring intimacy from you or wanting to know how long they can expect to wait as they get to know you.

Whether it’s intimacy or otherwise, taking a moment to consider where the other person is coming from can go a long way in dating and relationships. Sometimes, people just want their needs validated, even if you’re not able to meet them. Then you can communicate, compromise or call it quits.

---

Find Mr Right the un-miserable way

Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.

Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.

If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.

And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING — Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.