Welcome to the Bitter Single Women's Club: Membership is free - it'll just cost you your soul
Struggling with men, dating and relationships? Joining the Bitter Single Women's Club might be the answer. It's free! But make no mistake: It'll cost you.
Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode.
Disclaimer
This should go without saying, but apparently it doesn’t. So, I’m saying it at the top of the article for those who love to accuse me of being anti-single or a marriage-pusher or some other ridiculous notion I never said and don’t think: THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING SINGLE.
I grew up with a happily single woman — my mother’s best friend. She loved men and never said anything negative about them. But she didn’t want to get married or have kids. She was a creative businesswoman who always looked like a million bucks, but she wasn’t trying to attract anyone. As it turned out, in her 60s, she reconnected with a friend’s brother and they’ve now been together for 10 years. But she’d be just as happy without him.
I’m not in the business of trying to convince single women that they need a partner. I’m in the business of helping single women who WANT a partner improve their chances of finding one who makes them truly happy.
Did you catch that last bit? Because this is another thing the naysayers love to accuse me of: Helping women who want to find their Mr Right settle for Mr Okay — or maybe even Mr Wrong or Mr Hell No. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I help women find a man who ‘makes them truly happy’.
It’s far better to be single than to be in a bad or even ‘meh’ relationship.
Are we crystal clear on where I’m coming from now? Good. Let’s start.
The bitter single woman who inspired this article
A popular bitter single woman’s TikTok video appeared on my For You page today and BOY did it piss me off!
I was going to name her and share the video so you could see for yourself. Then I thought better of it. These types of women, and their followers, can be vicious! And my goal isn’t to attack her personally. It’s to expose and discuss this way of thinking in an effort to help single women find love.
A toxic ideology
It’s not so much HER that pissed me off. It’s this toxic BS that pissed me off — and the fact that so many impressionable single women fall for it. It just makes me really sad because I could have easily been a casualty of this dishonest and depressing ideology if I were a young single woman today.
I’m going to share exactly what she said from start to finish. And then I’m going to respond to it line by line and explain why I think it’s so harmful.
This was her entire rant
Good morning, single people.
Delete your dating apps — he’s not in there.
Unless you’re someone who likes to run, don’t go to a run club — he’s not in there.
Don’t take a pottery class or a cooking class hoping to meet a single straight man. You know what kind of straight men go to those? The ones dragged there by their partners.
Don’t listen to any dating coach who makes money off of single people when they tell you where you might find someone. They don’t know. They made it up.
So, if I don’t think you should do those things, how do I think you’re going to find a partner? I think you’re going to find one by accident. That’s how people meet. They meet by accident. They meet because they got lucky whether they want to admit it or not. That’s how people meet.
You can pay for bullshit or you can get the truth for free. It’s up to you.
I don’t like how the dating industry takes advantage of single women’s hope and longing, so I don’t allow that to happen.
So, if you’re single and you’d like a partner, congratulations — you’re just like me. But I’m not going to listen to anybody’s nonsense, especially when they’re charging money for it.
Live your life, do the things you enjoy doing and at some point, we will meet partners — that I do believe. I can’t tell you when, where or how, but I can tell you the truth. For free.
Ugh, I’m just so angry. Let’s go through it.
A big, fat lie
‘Good morning, single people. Delete your dating apps — he’s not in there.’
Yeah, tell that to the millions — and I mean literally millions — of people, including myself, who met their partner on a dating app.
The bits I agree with
‘Unless you’re someone who likes to run, don’t go to a run club — he’s not in there.’
I agree you shouldn’t be going to a run club if you don’t like running. Not because your Mr Right isn’t there but because it’s not the best use of your time if you’re only there to find love.
‘Don’t take a pottery class or a cooking class hoping to meet a single straight man. You know what kind of straight men go to those? The ones dragged there by their partners.’
I also agree with this. You should only go to a pottery class or a cooking class if you want to learn pottery or cooking. The chances of your Mr Right being there are low and, again, it’s not the best use of your time if your goal is to find love.
Hello, hypocrisy
‘Don’t listen to any dating coach who makes money off of single people when they tell you where you might find someone. They don’t know. They made it up.’
Firstly, unless something is a mathematical or scientific fact (and even those are being questioned these days), everyone makes everything up.
She’s an author and content creator. Her entire life is about making stuff up and profiting from it. Not sure why that’s okay for her but not for others.
Secondly, I’m a dating coach (although I prefer the word ‘mentor’) and I tell people for free where they might find someone. I did a podcast episode and Medium / Substack article on it. It’s Episode 7 and the title is: ‘Where are all the good men? The definitive answer to this age-old question.’
You might be interested to know that when I discussed this thing I ‘made up’ when I was a guest on a podcast called Romantically Challenged, the host, Sami Lukis, thought it was such a helpful piece of advice that she wrote an entire article on it, which was published on a major news site.
Gas-lighting alert
‘So, if I don’t think you should do those things, how do I think you’re going to find a partner? I think you’re going to find one by accident. That’s how people meet. They meet by accident. They meet because they got lucky whether they want to admit it or not. That’s how people meet.’
She says this so definitively. Like she’s stating a fact. She’s so convincing that she makes you start questioning your sanity and what you know to be true. There’s a word for that: ‘Gas-lighting’. She’s gas-lighting you.
Everyone meets their partner by accident? Again, tell that to the millions of people, including myself, who didn’t meet their partner by accident. They met their partner by putting themselves out there on a dating app, or going speed dating, or attending a singles event, or being fixed up by friends, or being matched by a matchmaker, or simply by learning how to date more effectively from (gasp) a dating coach and finally having some success.
According to this video with a graph that charts how couples met over the past 94 years, 60 percent of couples now meet online. 60 PERCENT! Last I heard it was 40 percent. But whether it’s 60 percent or 40 percent, that’s a huge percentage of people who found love by trying — not by accident.
Her idea of the truth is a lie
‘You can pay for bullshit or you can get the truth for free. It’s up to you.’
The truth? She just stated an unequivocal lie as a fact.
Again, she’s gas-lighting you by doubling down on her lie. It’s a dirty trick, but if you say a lie over and over again, people start to believe it. It’s truth by repetition instead of evidence. Don’t let yourself be manipulated.
‘Taking advantage’ or meeting a need?
‘I don’t like how the dating industry takes advantage of single women’s hope and longing, so I don’t allow that to happen.’
Well, I don’t like how bitter single women on social media think it’s acceptable to invalidate an entire industry that seeks to make the world a better place by creating happy relationships, marriages and families.
When you have a product or service that meets a need and people are willing to pay for it, you’re not ‘taking advantage’ — you’re running a business. Is she going to trash all businesses or just dating coaching?
If you want to compare dating coaching to other businesses, consider this:
We’re not creating useless products that will end up in landfill. We’re not selling overpriced ‘premium’ goods, like designer handbags or diamond rings with no resale value. We’re not focused on shallow pursuits like physical appearance, such as the beauty, fashion and, to some extent, fitness industry. We’re not ruining people’s health with sugar, alcohol or chemicals. And we’re not selling insurance, cars, real estate or stocks and making an exorbitant cut for being an arguably useless middleman.
All of which are valid businesses, by the way. I’m just making a point.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Don’t even get me started on vitamin supplements that do literally nothing for your health, non-profits that seem altruistic but don’t actually help anyone, or the entire spirituality industry, including crystals, tarot cards, psychics, horoscopes… the list goes on.
But dating coaching is the big, bad industry that’s ripping people off?
Dating coaches improve people’s chances of finding love. And love is one of only a handful of things that make life worth living. Most of us got into it because we can relate to our clients’ pain. We lived without love for a long time and finally found it. And we’re passionate about helping others have a much quicker and smoother journey to love than we did.
We also create a shitload of free content (like this), so people can decide whether or not they want to work with us. At least 95 percent of people will never work with us — they’ll just continue learning from us for free. And that’s okay. We know it’s par for the course as a dating coach — and we’re happy people get value out of our work even if they never pay us for it.
Personally, I’ve sacrificed so much to become a dating coach. Of course I’m going to charge for it! It’s valuable. It’s worth something. If I’m going to spend all my time and energy on it, I deserve to make a living from it. I’m not trying to make megabucks. I’m trying to make a mega impact. All I need is enough money to get by and I can help people find love full-time.
One woman’s nonsense is another woman’s sense
‘So, if you’re single and you’d like a partner, congratulations — you’re just like me. But I’m not going to listen to anybody’s nonsense, especially when they’re charging money for it.’
So, there’s something you want in life, but you’re not going to invest any time, money or effort into getting it. And you’re going to advise countless others like you to do the same. And I’M the one talking nonsense?
It’s amazing what people will and won’t spend money on. They’ll spend $5 a day on a coffee that lasts a few minutes. But they won’t spend one cent on a dating app that could potentially connect them with the love of their life.
But I digress.
Frilly, unhelpful words
‘Live your life, do the things you enjoy doing and at some point, we will meet partners — that I do believe.’
Well, that I don’t believe. Yes, I believe you should live your life and do the things you enjoy. But I don’t believe you should leave something as important as finding love up to chance.
Her ‘free’ advice could actually cost you a lot
‘I can’t tell you when, where or how, but I can tell you the truth. For free.’
You told us a blatant lie for free, so thanks for that.
I can’t tell my clients when, where or how they’ll meet their partner either, which is why, when they join my program, they have lifetime access to me.
I don’t know anyone else who offers this, but I want my clients to feel fully supported. As long as I’m alive and doing this work, I’ll be there for them.
The big picture
Here’s the thing: I don’t mean to attack this woman personally, which is why I didn’t name her or share the video. Who she is doesn’t matter. I was just using this one video of hers to highlight a broader issue.
I fear there’s somewhat of an epidemic of bitter single women trying to drag other single women down with them. It’s not that finding a loving partner to share your life with and potentially have kids with isn’t hard. It’s that you’ll greatly improve your chances if you stay positive, learn how to date more effectively, and consistently put time and effort into dating.
If I’d waited around for my Mr Right to just ‘come along’, I’d probably still be single. Not only did I actively date online, which is where I met my husband, but I don’t think I would have met or ended up with him if it wasn’t for a combination of counselling, dating coaching, dating advice books and learning from my mistakes. Long story short, I didn’t meet him by accident. I tried. I tried really hard. And I succeeded.
And before you say, ‘So, you’re married — big deal. I’m not going to settle for just anyone.’ Honey, I didn’t settle for just anyone.
I was 38 when David and I met and 42 when we got married. You think I couldn’t have been married ten times over before then? I just hadn’t met someone I wanted to marry who wanted to marry me — and there were a number of really nice guys who wanted to marry me. But I wasn’t in love with them and was perfectly content being single until I found my Mr Right. Now, I’m not just ‘married’ — I’m happily married.
This makes me so sad
I’m worried that if impressionable single women consume enough of this type of content (and there’s plenty of it out there), they’ll give up on love and probably never find their Mr Right or have the family they desire.
That just makes me so sad because I truly believe most of them CAN have the life they want if they don’t allow themselves to be dragged down by bitter single women with big mouths on social media and other platforms.
Meaning — not money
To be clear, this isn’t about me.
Being a dating coach is really hard. Most dating coaches didn’t get into it for the money — because the money is practically non-existent, especially in the beginning. I’ve been slaving away at this for many years and didn’t start making money from it until this year (2024). Prior to that, I was lucky if I made enough to cover my expenses. If all I was interested in was making money, I would have given up eons ago.
I’ve been a full-time freelance writer (a copywriter) for 20 years, which is much easier and more lucrative in my niche. I became a dating coach because I was writing dating profiles professionally and being thanked at weddings by couples who attributed the dating profile I wrote for one of them with the two of them connecting online.
I really wanted to help my dating profile clients find love, but didn’t think it was my place to advise them before I’d found love myself. When I finally did, I was so passionate about passing on what I’d learned that I wanted to do it full time. I’m hoping 2025 is the year I realise this dream.
I couldn’t think of anything more meaningful to do with my life than helping to create happy relationships, marriages and families.
But if you think it’s all ‘nonsense’, and there’s not a thing you could do to improve your chances of finding true love and happiness with one special man, then please give my regards to the ladies at the Bitter Single Women’s Club. In fact, I’d like to send you all a fruit basket. I assume lemons will suffice?
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING — Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.