'Where Are All The Good Men?' The Definitive Answer to This Age-Old Question
Good men - where are they? Because apparently they're not online, or at work, or in a bar, or a friend of a friend. Well, I'm about to reveal where they're all hiding.
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You’ve searched or swiped through hundreds of men’s profiles on various dating sites and apps and it’s like a barren wasteland Mr Wrongs. There’s Mr No-Way, Mr Not-A-Chance and Mr Get-Real (to name a few).
On the rare occasion you do find a man who takes your fancy, you feel invisible to him. After a while, you simply throw your hands up in the air and cry out to the heavens: ‘Where are all the good men?’
I hear ya! I’ve been there. And so has pretty much every single woman who’s spent more than a month on a dating site or app without finding her Mr Right. (Note: If you found him within a month, you won the lottery.)
Well, brace yourself, because I’m about to give you a layered and definitive answer to that age-old question, ‘Where are all the good men?’ Prepare to have your mindset shifted and your approach to dating course-corrected.
Layer #1: Re-phrase the question
The first layer is: To get the question right.
The question shouldn’t be ‘Where are all the good men?’ — plural — because you’re not looking for ‘men’. You’re looking for a man. One man.
You don’t need a smorgasbord of good men (although, that would be nice). You only need one good man and then you’re off the market. And the reason he’ll be a ‘good man’ is because he’ll be the right man for you.
So, let’s re-phrase the question. Instead of asking ‘Where are all the good men?’, let’s ask: ‘Where is my one good man?’ or ‘Where is my Mr Right?’
Layer #2: Check your reject pile
So, now that we’re asking the right question, we’re ready to move onto the second layer. My answer to the question ‘Where is my one good man?’ or ‘Where is my Mr Right?’ is:
He’s probably in your reject pile.
What I mean is it’s highly likely you’ve already rejected at least one potential life partner or husband by not giving him a chance.
For instance, you swiped left on him for a silly reason, you didn’t reply to his message, you couldn’t be bothered to meet him for a date, you sent him away when he approached you in public, you told a girlfriend you didn’t want to be introduced to her eligible bachelor friend… That kind of thing.
This is a really common mistake and I don’t even want to think about how many times I made it before I met David.
There’s a chance I even made it WITH David. We met on a dating site we’d both been on and off for over a decade. It’s possible he approached me on that dating site many years earlier and I rejected him.
Of course, you can’t go back in time, but you don’t need to. Believe it or not, there are a number of potential Mr Rights out there for you. And the way to find one (remember, it only takes one) is by giving more men a chance.
Layer #3: Not ‘less picky’ — less dismissive
Which brings me to the third layer: How, exactly, to go about giving more men a chance.
To be clear: This isn’t about being ‘less picky’ and it isn’t about ‘settling’. It’s about being less dismissive so you have the opportunity to be pleasantly surprised beyond your wildest dreams and actually find true love.
As women, we have a tendency to swat men away as quickly as we’d swat a fly away. On a dating app, we can be like:
Ugh, he’s bald — swipe left
Ugh, he’s under 6 feet tall — swipe left
Ugh, he has a boring job — swipe left
Ugh, he lives more than a 20-minute drive away — swipe left
Ugh, he posted a shirtless selfie, so he must be really into himself — swipe left
Ugh, he’s too old, even though he looks quite young — swipe left
And on, and on, and on. And then we have the audacity to ask, ‘Where are all the good men?’ Well, there’s almost certainly a few in your reject pile.
A subtle yet powerful shift
Making this subtle yet powerful shift is one of the reasons why I’m now happily married.
When David approached me on a dating site, I definitely didn’t think we were a perfect match. There were a few pros — and a lot of cons.
The pros were:
He looked cute
He seemed fun
We had a lot of common interests
The cons were:
We had different religious beliefs
We had slightly different political beliefs
He lived almost an hour’s drive away
He lived in a kinda dodgy area
He didn’t have a fancy education
He had a stable but not particularly exciting or lucrative career
He was 10 years older than me and, even though he’d clearly been drinking from the fountain of youth, I’m not into big age differences
He had a cat and I’m a dog person who’s allergic to cats
Based on this list, it would have been perfectly reasonable of me to put him in my reject pile — but I didn’t. I was 38. I was looking for love. And he was interested in me. (That’s important.)
We swapped a few nice messages and that went well. Then we spoke on the phone and that went well. Then we had a first date and that went well. Then he followed up quickly for a second date and that went well.
As we got to know each other, I discovered that all the things I thought might be deal breakers weren’t deal breakers at all. He turned out to be the smart, funny, kind, consistent, easygoing, open, honest, loyal, trustworthy, good communicator, team player man of my dreams.
I didn’t feel as though I was settling. I felt extremely lucky to have found him. And to think it all started from a modicum of interest. I wasn’t dazzled right from the start. I was somewhat interested.
The subtle art of giving more men a chance
Here’s how to give more men a chance:
Instead of putting all the maybes in the ‘No’ pile, put all the maybes in the ‘Yes’ pile.
You might go out with 9 ‘Maybes’ who were just as average as you thought they’d be. But the 10th ‘Maybe’ might dazzle the pants off you.
You need to move the ‘Maybes’ out of your reject pile and into your ‘Yes’ pile and see which ones pleasantly surprise you and treat you the way you’ve always wanted to be treated.
Don’t go out with men you’re not remotely attracted to. Don’t go out with men you have nothing in common with. Go out with men who show interest in you and who you think you could get along with for an hour over a drink — and see what happens.
Layer #4: Where, exactly, to meet single men
The fourth and final layer is ‘where’. Where, exactly, is your Mr Right?
Well, the reality is he’s probably online on a dating site or app.
That’s not to say you couldn’t meet him ‘organically’ at work, a party, a bar, a cafe, a run club or a salsa dancing class. But any man who’s genuinely ready for a relationship is almost certainly looking online — because that’s where all attractive single women are and men are practical like that.
So, I recommend being on at least two dating platforms — ideally, one dating site and one dating app — and swipe right or send an opening message to all the ‘Maybes’. More importantly, respond to all the ‘Maybes’ who have already shown interest in you.
Despite its flaws and frustrations, online dating is the most effective and empowering way to find love that’s ever existed. So…
Stop looking for a shortcut to online dating. Online dating IS the shortcut.
You just need to learn how to control the online dating process rather than letting the online dating process control you. Dating is a skill you can learn.
To summarise, here’s the definitive answer to that age-old question: ‘Where are all the good men?’
Stop asking ‘Where are all the good men?’ because you’re not looking for ‘men’. You’re looking for a man. One man. All you need is one Mr Right and you’re off the market for good.
Your Mr Right is probably in your reject pile. You can’t change the past. But in future, move all of the ‘Maybes’ out of your ‘No’ pile and into your ‘Yes’ pile — especially the ones who have already shown interest in you.
This isn’t about being less picky or settling. It’s about being less dismissive and opening yourself up to being pleasantly surprised beyond your wildest dreams and actually finding true love.
In terms of ‘where’ to find your Mr Right, the best place to look is online on a dating site or app. Despite its flaws, online dating is the most effective and empowering way to find love that’s ever existed.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING - Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.