Who Pays For the Darn First Date? The Definitive Answer to This Tricky Question.
In this day and age, should men still pay for the first date? Should women? Or should you split the bill? Time to cut the confusion.
Let’s say you meet a man online, you swap a few good messages, you speak on the phone and then he asks you out. You’re at a casual restaurant having drinks, a light meal and a great chat.
Then the bill arrives… along with a whole lot of awkwardness.
In this day and age, where men no longer have to pay because women earn their own money, who pays?
A touchy subject
Here’s the thing: There’s no way for me to answer this question without pissing off large groups of people. For some reason, this topic really seems to get people fired up, even though it’s not actually that important.
The reason I’ve decided to enter the lion’s den and attempt to answer it is because my short answer was recently featured on a women’s finance podcast called Penny For Your Thoughts. The episode is titled ‘Who pays on the first date?’ and it was published on 5th July 2023.
Okay, here’s how I’m going to tackle this:
Firstly, I’m going to lay out the options.
Secondly, I’m going to tell you what I think of each option.
And finally, I’m going to give you the definitive answer to the tricky question, ‘Who pays for the darn first date?’
Two things before we dive in:
My best, most insightful, most nuanced and most actionable advice is towards the end, so please hang in there and stick around for that.
This is an article for women who date men, so I’m going to approach the question from that angle.
Option 1: You pay for the date.
Option 2: You pay for most of the date.
Option 3: You split the date 50/50.
Option 4: He pays for most of the date.
Option 5: He pays for the date.
Option 1: You pay for the date
If you’re paying for the date, it’s probably because you asked him out. Many people say the person who does the asking out should do the paying.
But if you’re asking him out and you’re paying for the date, you’re leading the courtship. And by leading the courtship, you’re bringing somewhat of a masculine energy to the table, which is often effective in the boardroom but not so effective in the bedroom — if you get the idea.
The thing about heterosexual dating and relationships is that masculinity and femininity play a role in the attraction, so both parties need to know when to turn it on and when to turn it off. When it comes to asking men out and paying for dates, I’d encourage you, as a general rule, to turn it off.
There are many other things you can do to have control over the dating process while still bringing a feminine energy to the table. You don’t have to ask men out or pay for entire dates.
You might be interested to know I’m actually quite masculine when it comes to this kind of thing. I’d much prefer to ask men out and pay for dates than sit around waiting for them to ask me out or plan something fun and interesting for us to do.
But here’s the thing — it doesn’t work. In over 20 years of dating, it never worked for me. The reality is, in most cases, if a man wants to date you, he’ll take the lead.
Option 2: You pay for most of the date
This is almost identical to Option 1.
Whether you pay for all or most of the first date, it will probably feel as though the masculine and feminine energies on the date are misaligned.
I’d advise against you paying for most of the date.
Option 3: You split the date 50/50
That seems fair, right?
Um… Okay, please don’t hate me for what I’m about to say.
Just because it’s fair doesn’t mean it’s sexy.
Splitting the bill is what you do if you’re meeting a friend or work colleague. It doesn’t feel very date-like — again, because there’s no masculine and feminine energy at play. It feels very neat, clean and equal… but not sexy.
Hear me out on this as I take you through the final two options.
Option 4: He pays for most of the date
Now, we’re getting somewhere. You can and should contribute to the date depending on how it’s going.
For example: The first date with my husband, David. When I arrived at the pub to meet him, he was already there sipping a beer. So, I went straight to the bar, bought myself a drink and then sat down with him. It didn’t make sense for me to sit down and expect him to get up and buy me a drink while his beer sat there getting warm in the summer weather.
When we decided what we wanted to eat, he ordered it, along with another round of drinks, and paid for it. But we were having such a good time that we wanted to stay and continue chatting. I wanted to show my appreciation for him paying for dinner and drinks, so I bought the final round of drinks.
That was a case of him paying for most of the date.
And finally…
Option 5: He pays for the date
Now, let’s just say David and I had met at a restaurant instead of a pub for our first date where the entire bill comes at the end of the meal. What would I have done then?
What I would have done is genuinely offer to split the bill with him. David would have insisted on paying. And I would have said, ‘Oh, that’s so lovely of you — thank you.’
If we’d ended the date there, that would have been it. But if we’d gone for another drink, or a coffee, or an ice cream, I would have paid for that.
The ‘fake purse grab’
Offering to split the bill when you know full well he’s probably going to insist on paying is what’s known as the ‘fake purse grab’.
You grab your purse and offer to pay, but he waves you off. Statistically, most men and women are happy with the fake purse grab. Men like it when women offer to split the bill and women like it when men insist on paying.
Why men paying for the first date is preferable
So, what’s going on here? Why is the man paying for most or all of the first date better than splitting the cost of the first date?
Great question! Here are three reasons…
Reason #1: Good manners
The first reason it’s better if men pay for most or all of the first date is because it’s good manners. It’s simply good manners. What’s wrong with having good manners?
Why do we constantly ask people the question ‘How are you?’ when they can very rarely tell us how they actually are? Why do we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when they’re just words? Why do we always have to look people in the eye when we speak to them instead of just saying what we want to say? Because it’s good manners.
There’s no need to overthink everything. Men paying for the first date is polite. It’s traditional, it’s gentlemanly, it’s chivalrous. And we don’t need less of that. We need more of it.
In fewer than 100 years, we’ve gone from men having to get your parents’ permission to take you out, pay for the entire date, walk you home and maybe steal a little kiss at the front door if they were lucky — to not even having to take you on a date let alone pay for the date to get you into bed.
It’s just a small gesture to remind men not to take women for granted. And for that reason, I don’t want it to disappear.
Reason #2: Hidden dating costs
The second reason it’s better if men pay for most or all of the first date is because the cost of the date isn’t just what happens on the date. It’s what happens before the date as well.
And what happens before the date is that women take at least an hour to get ready and spend a fortune on hair and makeup, beauty treatments and fashionable clothes to look their most attractive, while men just need to shower, shave and throw on a pair of pants and a shirt.
For women, a date is not the same as meeting up with a girlfriend. You can meet your bestie looking like a complete slob — or at least, not your most radiant — and she won’t care. But if you’re meeting a man for a first date, you’re trying to make a good first impression on a number of levels — and one of those levels is your physical appearance.
Likewise, he’s trying to make a good first impression on a number of levels — and one of those levels is being gentlemanly. I think the cost of a cheap and cheerful dinner, such as a Thai meal or a pub meal plus a couple of drinks, in exchange for you showing up looking attractive and being your vivacious self is well worth it.
You don’t owe him anything physical. You just owe him the date version of you. Not the friend version, not the work colleague version and not the gym buddy version — the date version.
Reason #3: Ballroom dancing
The third reason it’s better if men pay for most or all of the first date is because heterosexual dating is like ballroom dancing. There’s masculine and feminine energy at play.
If you go to a ballroom dancing class, are you going to get into an argument with the dance teacher over why men lead and women follow? Are you going to insist on splitting who leads and who follows 50/50? Or are you just going to accept the masculine and feminine roles of ballroom dancing and enjoy it for what it is?
Because here’s the thing about ballroom dancing: Men might be the ones who lead. But they’re not the star. The woman they’re leading is the star. The man’s job is to make his partner look beautiful, graceful and talented. He needs to be okay with being in her shadow.
So, who actually has the power on the dance floor — the one who leads or the one who follows? It depends on how you look at it.
Generous Vs appreciative
Let’s bring this baby home by getting to the heart of the matter. When it comes to who pays for the first date, women want to feel as though a man is generous — and men want to feel as though a woman is appreciative.
It’s all part of the masculine/feminine dance, which is why you don’t split the bill 50/50 as you would with a friend or colleague. It’s an opportunity to showcase your masculine and feminine qualities to each other.
My advice to men
If I were advising men, I’d say you simply can’t go wrong with paying for the first date — especially if you want to see the woman again.
It’s good manners, it’s masculine, it’s sexy. And trust me, even if she ends up falling in love with you and marrying you, she WILL remember whether or not you paid for the first date. And she WILL tell people.
So, if you want to nail your first impression, pay for the darn first date!
My advice to women
But my content is focused on helping women who are looking for Mr Right. In that case, I’d advise women to show their appreciation.
Do the ‘fake purse grab’, as we discussed earlier, and offer to split the bill. If he insists on paying, just say ‘Oh, that’s so lovely of you — thank you.’ If you kick on to another venue, pay for the drinks, coffees, desserts or the cab.
If he takes you up on your offer to split the bill, do it graciously and try not to hold it against him. It’s not necessarily a deal breaker. More on that soon.
Contingency #1: Uncomfortably extravagant date
What do you do if he plans an expensive first date and you’re afraid of getting stuck with half the bill? Or you’re simply not comfortable going on that kind of date with someone you barely know?
I suggest you redirect him to a less extravagant date.
All you need to do is say it nicely. For example: ‘Oh, John, that’s so generous of you to want to take me to such a fancy restaurant. But let’s save that for a special occasion, like my birthday. For our first date, I’d really prefer somewhere more low key, like a nice pub or a Thai restaurant. Would that be okay with you?’
If it’s NOT okay with him, don’t go out with him! If you can’t sweetly communicate a reasonable boundary and have it respected, he’s not boyfriend material.
Contingency #2: Don’t want to take advantage
What do you do if you’ve ended up having a long, expensive and great first date with someone you don’t see a romantic future with?
This actually happened to me a number of times when I was single because I’d have an awesome chat with someone I really liked as a friend but just wasn’t physically attracted to.
In those cases, I insisted on splitting the bill. I couldn’t bring myself to take advantage and let them pay for most or all of the date, especially if I wanted to see them again as a friend.
Contingency #3: He lets you split the bill
What do you do if you get to the end of the date, you’ve already decided you really like him and would definitely go on a second date with him if he asked, the bill arrives, you offer to split it and he… lets you?
He doesn’t insist on paying. What then?
Should you go out with him again? Would he have let Emily Ratajkowski split the bill with him if he’d been siting opposite her for the past 2 hours? What does it mean?
Well, it could mean a number of things. It could mean he sees women as equals. Or it could mean he’s a bit of a cheapskate.
So, my advice would be if you like him and he asks you out again, go. Get to know him a little better. Don’t judge him solely on whether or not he paid for the first date. That alone isn’t enough to write off an otherwise potentially great boyfriend or husband.
Why it’s so confusing
We really do live in a confusing time when it comes to this kind of thing.
Women who insist there’s a gender pay gap are usually the same women who insist they earn just as much as men and should therefore split every date right down the middle.
Some men will split the bill with you because they’re broke, stingy, have bad manners or don’t value you. Other men will split the bill with you because you offered, they respect you and want you to feel comfortable.
It’s a bit of a minefield, which is why it’s important to be forgiving if it doesn’t go the way you think it should. Reserve your judgment until you get to know him a little better.
Some guidelines for a successful first date
I do believe that, for the most part, men should pay for first dates, which is why I also believe they shouldn’t take women on dates they can’t afford.
Men should also only take out women they’ve established a rapport with. Even if you met online, which most people do these days, men and women shouldn’t rush out to meet a total stranger — but for different reasons. Women shouldn’t rush out to meet a man until he’s put in just a little bit of effort and she feels comfortable with him. And men shouldn’t rush out to meet a woman until he likes her enough to plan and pay for a decent date.
Furthermore, I’m not a big fan of coffee dates or walking dates because they’re not romantic. You don’t get dressed up for them. They feel more like mini meetings, training sessions or job interviews. That’s not sexy.
But if you take just a little time to get to know someone by swapping a few good messages on the dating platform, sharing some good text banter off the dating platform and having at least one decent phone chat, you’re almost guaranteed to have a good first date — even if that person doesn’t end up being your future life partner or spouse.
First dates Vs second, third and fourth dates
Finally, remember — all of this advice is just for first dates.
There’s also the second date, third date and fourth date. And if you end up together, there are countless dates for the rest of your lives.
Everything I’ve discussed is what I consider to be optimum first date etiquette when it comes to who pays. But the more dates you have, the more equal it will become depending on what you both want.
If he makes significantly more money and wants to take you on extravagant dates, he’ll probably pay about 80% and you’ll pay about 20%. If you both make about the same amount of money and you’d prefer to save than spend, you’ll probably split most things 50/50. And if you make significantly more money and you want to go to fancy restaurants, live shows and five-star resorts while he’d be happy with pub meals, free outdoor concerts and camping holidays, you’ll probably pay about 80% and he’ll pay about 20%.
It varies from couple to couple and can change over your lifetime. At the moment, David and I make about the same amount of money. But if I made significantly more, I’d be booking big overseas trips every year and I would NOT expect him to pay half — not even close. If I could afford it, I’d happily pay so WE could enjoy these things together.
Phew! Well, that was pretty comprehensive. I hope you now have the definitive answer to that tricky question (and everyone’s favourite argument): Who pays for the darn first date? If you know someone (male or female) who’d appreciate this, please share it with them.
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