Why your 'dream man' list won't help you find your dream man
Making a list of qualities you're looking for in a man might seem practical, but it can actually get in the way of you finding true love.
Read this article on Medium or listen to the Your Dating Bestie Podcast episode.
There’s an Australian talk show on SBS called Insight and they recently did an episode about online dating.
Within the first five minutes, a lovely lady in her 50s shared her ‘dream man’ list with the host and audience.
These were the top 4 qualities she was looking for:
He has to have a degree
He has to be at least 6-foot tall
He has to have a good relationship with his mother
He has to have no hair on his chest
As a professional dating mentor, my response to this is:
Cringe
Cringe
Cringe
Cringe
No shade to her personally. This is an extremely common mistake that almost everyone makes in their own unique way. I know I certainly did.
Why is this list so cringe?
Because these four traits have little to no bearing on whether or not the man who possesses them can make her truly happy as a romantic partner.
Here’s how I’d rework her list to maximize her chances of finding Mr Right.
Rework #1: He has to have a degree
She doesn’t need a man who has a degree. She needs a man who’s intelligent. But let’s drill down even further.
What she really needs is a man she can have an intelligent conversation with. Now we’re getting somewhere!
But requiring the men she dates to have a degree is limiting. There are plenty of highly intelligent men she could have a great conversation with who don’t have a degree.
So, I think she should start conversations online with men who have a halfway decent dating profile and see if they respond intelligently.
If they do, she should move them to a phone call after a few messages. If she enjoys speaking with them over the phone and they ask her out, she should meet them for a date. If she enjoys chatting with them on the date and they ask her out again, she should go on a second date. And so on.
If she finds over a few dates that she’s getting her ‘intelligent conversation’ needs met, she’ll no longer give a hoot whether or not they have a degree.
Rework #2: He has to be at least 6-foot tall
She doesn’t need a man who’s at least 6-foot tall. She needs a man she finds attractive.
I find it hard to believe she’s incapable of fancying a single man who’s 5’11, 5’10 or even 5’9. Only 14% of American men are over 6-foot. I’m sure that statistic is similar for Australian, Canadian and British men. So, limiting yourself to tall men significantly reduces your chances of finding love.
I think she should ease up on the height restrictions and look at the overall package. If she finds him reasonably attractive and he has a nice vibe, she should get to know him. It’s amazing how someone can go from a 6 to a 9 when you discover how wonderful they are and how well they treat you.
Rework #3: He has to have a good relationship with his mother
What if his mother is a narcissist? What if she put him down his whole life? What if they just have absolutely nothing in common? What if she’s dead?
It’s not as though she’s in her 20s. She’s in her 50s, so I assume she’s dating men in their 50s and 60s. How many people in their 50s and 60s have parents who are still alive? Some. But not most. When I met David, he was 48 and had already lost his mum. (I’ll never have a mother in-law.)
In any case, she doesn’t need a man who has a good relationship with his mother. She needs a man who’s kind.
But I think she’s far better off judging his kindness by how he treats HER — not how good or bad a relationship he has (or had) with his mother.
Rework #4: He has to have no hair on his chest
Again, she doesn’t need a man who has no hair on his chest. She needs a man she finds attractive.
I think she should start with a reasonable level of attraction — like 7/10 — and go from there. She might be lucky that he’s naturally hairless or has very little chest hair. She might learn that he’s willing to wax for her.
Or she might discover an exception to the rule — a man she finds so attractive she no longer cares about how much hair he does or doesn’t have on his chest because he rocks her world both in and out of the bedroom.
Here’s the ‘dream man’ list all women should have:
I enjoy his company
I like the way he treats me
Our relationship is easy
By ‘company’, I mean you enjoy his company on both a friendship and romantic level. And you’re able to accept him as he is — flaws and all.
By ‘treats’, I mean he treats you well. He contacts you daily, responds to contact in a timely fashion and plans regular dates with you — at least once a week on weekends.
And by ‘easy’, I mean your togetherness is easy. You communicate well, fight rarely, make up quickly, trust each other and want to be committed to each other in the same ways.
Three steps to finding him:
Step 1: Start with men you find somewhat attractive and feel you could have a good conversation with. You don’t need to be dazzled at first sight.
Step 2: Get to know them a little better before ruling them out.
Step 3: See how they show up for you over time. If they’re flaky, ditch them. If they keep showing up, then you can decide whether or not they’re for you.
How I ditched my ‘dream man’ list and found my dream man
For the first month of my relationship with my husband, David, I didn’t think he was going to be anything more than a fling.
He was cute and nice. And I kept going out with him because he kept asking me out. But I didn’t think it was going to go anywhere.
Then, about a month in, I wanted be exclusive. I didn’t want to date anyone else and I didn’t want him to date anyone else, so we agreed to be exclusive. But I still didn’t think it was going to last.
Over time, he just kept impressing me with his brilliant company, five-star treatment of me and how easy and enjoyable it was to spend time together.
He actually turned out to be everything I wanted in a partner and husband. He WAS my ‘dream man’. I just didn’t realize it when we first met. And if I’d stuck to the list in my head, he would have completely passed me by.
Goodbye, ‘dream man’ list — hello, dream man
So, ladies, for the love of chocolate and puppies, throw out your ‘dream man’ list and start getting to know more men. It really doesn’t take that long to find out who’s a genuine prospect and who isn’t.
Most men won’t even make it out on a first date with you, which is why you need volume, volume, volume!
Those who dazzled at first sight can easily disappear. And those who were so-so initially can really step up to the plate and impress you beyond your wildest imagination.
Find Mr Right the un-miserable way
Think you can’t find love without suffering through dating? Think again.
Allow me to introduce (drum roll)… The Un-Miserable Dating Method.
If you’d like to have a much quicker and smoother journey to Mr Right than I did, I can’t wait to tell you all about it. Just visit YourDatingBestie.com.
And don’t miss my FREE TRAINING — Empowered AF: How to find Mr Right without having to change yourself, lower your standards or waste your time.